#1
First off this isn't the title i just have no idea what to title it and this is the first thing that came to my mind. Crit for Crit. I think this piece is decent atleast much better than my previous piece. So anyways crit for crit and give me your thoughts please.

This Is

We're all sitting in a basement
Talking about the drugs that you have taken
And how your friend up in Jersey
Nearly died off of amphetamines

We go over who would take what
Meanwhile I talk but keep my mouth shut.

She joins me on the couch for the
Latter half of a conversation

But it's getting late... the clock reads zeroes

And it's time to go home.
Rainy weather and a picture on the front porch
Slightly obscene but nothing we can't see
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
Last edited by furtherfan21 at Jun 22, 2006,
#2
Quote by furtherfan21
First off this isn't the title i just have no idea what to title it and this is the first thing that came to my mind. Crit for Crit. I think this piece is decent atleast much better than my previous piece. So anyways crit for crit and give me your thoughts please.

This Is

We're all sitting in a basement
Talking about the drugs that you have taken
And how your friend up in Jersey
Nearly died off of amphetamines

We go over who would take what
Meanwhile I talk but keep my mouth shut.

ok your talking but keepign your mouth shut... only think i could think of for that is expressing yourself through well idk whatever but its just kinda weird.


She joins me on the couch for the
Latter half of a conversation

But it's getting late... the clocks reads zeros

clocks reads zeroes... needs to be fixed umm dont really like this

And it's time to go home.
Rainy weather and a picture on the front porch
Slightly obscene but nothing we can't see


Ok this one is kind weird... just a story in a poem format really with not much use for anything generally utilized in poetry idk sorry i didnt like the idea behind this one much

-Mike
#3
I gotta say that I'd go along with the Trigmeister on this, in that it seemed 'weird'.

I don't know if you're trying to get at something that I can't see, but it just doesn't really do anythin' for me. The style does do very well to increase what I think to be a tone of bitterness though.

It ain't bad mate, I just didn't really get caught up by anything. Sorry about that.
#4
Thanks for the crits guys understood. I fixed that clock reads zeroes line trig. thanks for pointing that out. Anybody have any more to add?
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#5
i thought it was quite enjoyable, i dont know why the negativity from people... it is pretty close to being prose with line breaks i'll admit, but i think at the very least the line breaks are well positioned, and as a whole i think it has a certain rhythm too it which is very nice. i also liked how it kind of felt snapshotty almost, i dont know if that was deliberate, but the way it was formatted gave the idea of the protagonist (you? who knows) and this girl in various places.... i dunno, it was interesting.

so yeah, i thought it was quite cool...

i hate to ask for a return crit after doing something so short, but any comments you can give whatsoever on my latest piece would be appreciated... https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=381332
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#6
I liked it. I'm not sure how good it is, but I liked it. It is what it is and that's about all you can say for it. Sorry I'm not very helpful, it's just not my style of writing, but I can tell you that I think it works.

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