#1
This is the longest song I've ever written I think. Read it and you'll realize the story. The first lines can be confusing, but don't worry; they'll be explained later. It's a small story if you may

Crit 4 crit.

The first verse is what happens all around, before the story itself comes.

Sarcophagus

Verse 1 - The King

If the Holy Lord will insist,
Transmutability, does it exist?
Maybe it does? Who knows? It's a twist.
Like the exchequer of a hidden empire,
The freaks are having their funeral pyre!
Getting roasted on an open fire,
Yet you wan't to take it even higher.
Well say what you want, you goddamn liar!
You're saying stop it at the senith of life,
But think of the children, the sisters, the wife.
Instead, strike back at societys sick jokes.
Take out your anger on those money-making blokes.
Yeah, those men live at the height of infamy;
But as protection they've got a fucking infantry.
Consisting of lawyers, policemen and one fat deputy.
When will these chains unlock to have me run away free?
In terms of speaking about equality and humanity,
I just want to erupt and say ''We're all condemned by insanity!''
But instead I don't, and just sit down.
And inside, the liars slowly drown.
They know the king isn't supposed to wear that crown.
But then, they just act it up with a frown.
And when he dies, they build a sarcophagus for him.
And the people cry, the know the end will begin.
The civilization falls to pieces.
They kill each other since somehow it eases.
The pain they're suffering, they're all used.
By the staff itself, they all get abused!


Verse 2: The Kingdom
Fighting back on the spirits that enwrap on our trail?
They are trying that and by the looks of it they fail.
Those men suffer from heavy trepidation,
As the staff slowly unsolders the core of this ''nation''.
They proscribe several of them for ''killing'' the king.
They say ''Go to hell! That's where you belong in!''
And as rapid as the reptiles, who now are dead,
The fire some projectiles, straight at their heads.
It's been long since this kingdom lived in peace,
Just a bunch of trecherous bastards, to say the least.
But the world just keeps on spinning around,
And no one minds the men who're now six feet underground.
All the widows left carry on like before,
They smile at the staff, they get food, nothing more!
And the staff all hide behind a masked face,
But in their minds, they're lost without a trace.
Their lifes have turned into one giant race,
Their hearts have turned into an empty space.
And it's worthless to try to keep up with the times,
When all of these men are comitting crimes.
But they prefer to call it ''Justice and Law'',
Yet if that's so, then there's one major flaw.
But you'll have to think that out for yourself,
Since my thoughs are going up on the shelf,
To collect dust... And the springs in my brain begin to rust.
Yet somehow I must... Resist all the anger, the lust...
To talk out about how you think and feel,
Since the rumors about killing in the kingdom are all real.


Verse 3: The Attack
*GUITAR SOLO*

The choises have been made, the inscriptures are engraved,
As we look forth upon destroyal...
And we smile today as we know it is too late,
To save this royal...
KINGDOM!!! Of manslaughter, pain and fright,
As they all get tortured, every day and night.
Clear your plates of food, get ready get in the mood,
And march forward to this...
Drop the mandolin, let the killing all begin,
The men have their bliss...
BECASE!!! Today we destroy the men who had our people killed,
All the bread they've had, all the beer they've spilled... (Will die).
With anger in their eyes, they yell out their battle cries,
Their weapons in metal are forged...
In darkness they move out, their presense is to doubt,
The leader carries the torch...
EMPTYNESS!!! Is what this village consists of now!
In anger and hate, all of the men shout.
Where is everyone? What has this become?
An empty village of death?
Lord knows what happened here, I wish he could appear.
The buildings are all wrecked.
BUT THEN!!! Far out in the east;
It seems their lifes haven't ceased.
We saw it, you and me,
There they were, released and free.


Verse 4: The Transmution
*PIANO SOLO*
*DRUM SOLO*

AHH! Transmutability! It does exist.
The thought of that, you have to persist.
And the ''Paraoh'' lays deep within his thought,
In his lonely sarcophagus where he slowly rots.
And living is but six feet away;
But a thought of life is something he has to persua.
Because his body doesn't really want to transmute,
Yet his mind wants, and his mind speaks the truth.
And so his body arises from the ground,
Transmutes into a man, who takes a look around.
At the east, he sees villagers who ride,
And slowly, but sure, the man begins to cry...
He knows his old kingdom has failed,
And he cries so much he forgets he's a male.
''Why, why was I to blind to see?
What happened to my kingdom, what happened to me?''
He thinks it through, he does not want to live.
He cries, he wants mercy, he wants God to forgive.
And the world makes him return to his grave...
With the thought in his head: ''God forgave''
A grave without a tombstone, nothing at all.
His own sarcophagus, anything but small.
Well wherever we go, we end up in the same place;
And that's six feet underground of Earths ugly face.
''Writhe In My Cage of Torment My Friend''
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#2
Really long, but glanced over really quickly and it seems great, I'll give it a full crit later when i have more time!
The Devil may.
#3
I really like the way you've titled the verses like chapters in a book, that's a nice touch. i wont call you on the length coz i've written sum long stuff in my time, but i just gotta say that some parts of it don't flow perfectly, otherwise fantastic! Please crit my song 'EVeryone has a story to tell'
#4
Wow! Quite an involving story, sometimes complicated and confusing, but on the whole, interesting story. The rhyme seems a little forced here and there:
"Instead, strike back at societys sick jokes.
Take out your anger on those money-making blokes."
But you can always change the little things! I like the fact it comes to a conclusion, helps make it whole, and i bet this will be an epic song, with the piano and drum solos, id love to hear it!
Crit 4 Crit, please? Don't choose the 1st one
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
#5
Thank you a lot future rock god!

And ShaneTheMan, I'm looking forward to the full crit

LOL yeah, You know USCENDONE BENE, my rhyming is always forced on some places, I don't know why. I'll try to improve on my next song. Thanks!
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#7
^Thanks man! You were that ''I had sex with Darth Vader'' dude am I right?

Thanks again.
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#9
Thank you very much merkalos666! Yeah I'll keep it up. I'm currently writing one called Monolith, which I'll probably post on here. Thanks again!
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#10
Pretty long, but its a great song. You've got a real knack, wouldn't mind actually hearing it being played though.
#11
Bloody hell, that's awesome.

In one or two places the rythming seemed looking a little forced, but I can't find anything else other than that.

Keep it up...
#12
Yeah, so, how long will the song be, with the music?

It seemed great, just way way way way long.
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#13
it's ok. Alot of the rhyming seems forced, and some of the vocabulary used seems a bit out of place... (like "unsolders"... I don't think that imagery really works there). But it's a pretty good piece and it could be great next to some nice music. 8/10
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#14
with a brief look, it looks pretty good, but I'm going to my parents anniversary party so I'll need to crit more later.

I don't want to seem like a selfish prick, but can you crit mine as soon as poosible? its the only one in my sig if you can

thx
#15
Man, awesome writing on this one. It painted a picture, and was worded very well. Great job. If you get music worked out you have to record it. It'd be an awesome song. It kinda reminds me of the Mars Volta. They have a song called Sarcophagi, but it's not anything like this, but in some of their songs they use wording similar to you. Awesome song man. If you have time crit my piece-And This I Love You For. Thanks dude.
#16
Thank you all! For the guy who asked how long it is with music and all; It usually goes around the 20-23 minute mark, and that's with all the solos.

Colby81, I think I'll have to listen to some Mars Volta

I'll crit your songs now.
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#17
I really like this. Good theme, Rhythm is overall fairly effective and interesting topic choice.

Made a good read too, some good vocabulary used in there too which is always nice.



Crit for crit?
#18
I think the best thing you've got going for you is your song titles, which is obviously important to attract listeners etc. Great writing too though, not overly cryptic but still interesting. Oh, it's spelt pharaoh. no biggy.
#19
I really enjoyed this. You've definitely got a talent for songwriting. The verses might be long, but who cares! What matters is what is said in the verses, not the length. And I think you've definitely said a lot, and have done it in a good way. I'm interested to see what else you've got.
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#20
Thank you all! It's been ages since I last checked this song, lucky I did though

And titan88, check out ''The War of Guilds'' in my sig. Very similar to this one.
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#21
great song, storyline reminded me of something out of System of a Down, lol. (Not a bad thing, they are oe of my favorite bands.) Continue writing and posting please
Emo is conforming to unconformity and whining. Really, it is.
#22
There are a bunch of songs in my sig. Not every song I've posted but they're my best ones. Try The War of Guilds. I wanna hear what people think about that song.
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.