#1
(i'm unsure what the title should be.. so whatever.. and this could be a song later on but right now it's a poem-ish) uhm critique anyone?

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The two of them, ignorant little maggots.
Sitting side by side, absorbing eachothers intelligence, or lack there of.
If I'm not controlled, all hell will break loose.
All that's left is for me to obey.

A third joins in now, stabbing me with his words.
Can't defy them.

They whisper violence among one another...
I need to break free.

Fuck the system,
All of those callous lies.

They're all under the influence now,
controlled by the leader of hatred.

I will not follow.
I stand alone.
You'll never see me collapse.

But now my head's buried,
buried in the sand.
I'm no longer a victim of self hatred,
But a victim of hating one's flag.

Supposed to stand on guard,
more like standling idly by.

You want me to bow down to your god,
you want me to obey,
you get the fucking government to take my freedom away.

Dying for people who don't do a thing for me,
but make me stand for those I don't need.

Those that are good are shot and killed,
people who've done no wrong in the world.

I guess we're never really born to live,
but only to run and hide.

Avoiding everything that intimidates us,
instead of staring it in the eyes.

Somehow, in the end, the stupidity will always remain.
Last edited by _testament_ at Jun 20, 2006,
#3
it's only been one hour, give it some time!! if you want more critiques then go critique other people's work. anyways, i thought it was good but nothing outstanding.it wasn't bad though. that's just my opinion. a critique? well, i thought that it was a bit unorganized, you had some good ideas here and there but i think you should organize them better. you had some really good lines here and there too. i also didn't like the curse word. im not a fan of cursewords in writing. i thought the second half of the song was way better than the first half, if anything, the first half would be better if it was revised. overall, it was good but it has potential to be better, and that's my 2 cents. oh and you don't have to take my advice either. this isn't a critique btw
The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops moving when the music does.

Last.fm
Last edited by Green_Fox at Jun 20, 2006,
#4
It's too choppy. Too many fragmented thoughts.

And the "**** the system" part is kind of. . . cliche.
#5
This is interesting. Because half of it is garbage and half of it has potentional. I think if you are going to be critical and "revolutionary" in your lyrics, you should at least go about in a creative way. It's kind of like love songs, since they've been done to death, you have to find an original and sincere way of going about them. I think maybe concentrate on delivering the message of this piece with a little bit more creative "ZING" and it'll be alot more enjoyable.

Just my opinion though, I'm sure plently of kids would dig this kind of "political-punk" garb.
#6
^Yeah, in songwriting, one bad line can totally ruin a piece, so patience and attention to deatail are great skills to have. Oh and if you want to go political, either analyse a situation poetically or know you facts and propose a better solution (take Propagandhi as an example). What a lot of writers do is get stuck in an angsty "complain about society without offering a solution" rant, stay away from that.