#1
My growing realization that everyone has died.
Smokey smoke smoking until my lungs hang up their
"vacant" signs.
Give two shits and you're out of luck.
Develop compassion and you're fucked.

"Look at him, leaving while I'm talking!
You can't handle this, fag!
I'm 100% party!"

Getting in the car.
Starting it.
Tuning you out bitch.
Now I remember why I never go out.
Poor advice.
#2
I really like that.
It's really different from everyone else's stuff.
good job...

I can't even think of anything critical to say.
#3
You mean to tell me your Friday nights with friends blow just as much as mine?

*high five*
#4
Quote by markom89
You mean to tell me your Friday nights with friends blow just as much as mine?

*high five*


Basically.
Poor advice.
#5
In its simplicity, as much was said than by the words. Bitter. Biting. You totally nailed the minimalist approach; you can just feel the emotion flowing out of the page. The flow is beautiful. The vacant signs reminds me of I Will Follow You into the Dark by death cab though. I wouldn't normally do this for such a short crit, but if you have a minute, could you take a read of my latest (Arme de fortune, https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=379586 )
Last edited by pooch0072 at Jun 21, 2006,
#6
Pooch is right, it was the simplicity of this piece that allowed the reader to relate easily, and therefore they could feel the emotion in this piece.

My only crit I can give, I think, is the repetition of the word "out" in the last two lines. that is the only thing I have a concern about, but you probably put it in there for a good reason.

I think this is the first time I've critted one of your pieces, but trust me , I am always reading them. You ability to just say what you think in your pieces is magical- brilliant to read.

Keep up the good work
#7
There's no point "criting" this piece becuase that's useless. It's like most things you write, I just like it. It keeps me intrested, your wit shows through, the flow is fine and the language is usually strong.

What's more to say than I think I can see the postman and he has my 4 cds, got to go.