#1
Ive become a broken tread gliding
over landmines and trip wires.
Hoping to step my way over the radiating
destiny from the starless sky
covered by clouds and moisture's lies.
And with crashing waters and ravenous tides
stifiled by forceful failures and arguments belide
I'm silenced, now stricken, with the constraints of religion.

Harbors of faces with veils of blackness
consecrating superiority from the tired deserts
And there we laid under the fatigue ridden sky,
basking in the styles of red and white giants,
and the neon glow from the symmetrical insects.
While laden with designs of perpetual emotion,
we stared at what we thought was small
and wondered if we could ever be greater.


few changes
-Mike
#5
Wow, this is perfect. Nothing to crit, nothing to change. Just beautiful. You really nailed the perfect language, artsy and imagistic without becoming pretensious or overly flamboyant. the flow was dramatic and fitting. The beauty in writing something like this (I wish I could) is the feeling you get after finishing it, like that now that you've captured it on paper, no one can ever take it away.
#6
Quote by pixiesfanyo
oh. i don't see a difference.


Most of the changes are in the second stanza, sentance structure. Plus i took out a few lame alliteration i had in there that ultimately detracted from the piece. I like it more now.
#7
well i didnt' read the first version apparently but anyways... the first verse i think flwoed better than the second. in my opinion both verses were good but it almost seemed liek they didn't belong together. If that makes sense... not with their content but with their style.

"I'm silenced, now stricken, with the constraints of religion."
I really liked how tht flowed and rolls off hte tougne.

I really liked hte first stanza a lot more then the second.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#9
its epic in content and sound in execution... but I just cant bring myself to like it. I've reread and reread it, but each time it just gets more and more distant. I dont know what the problem is either, like I said, its poetic, and literarily sound, but it just seems passive, like a shell of emotion where personality was sacrificed for literary prowess... but thats not really what I want to say is it? I know you didnt 'sacrifice' anything for better flow.

I really dont know whats wrong with it, but I cant connect on any level. However, everyone else seems to like it so cheers to you on a very sound piece in both content and execution.



(and why did you delete the other thread, I had such a kickass rant against your spelling mistake )
#10
thanks everyone, synth i deleted cause i thought i was going to make a lot of changes, but i didnt end up making very many. plus i had random people coming in and trying to tell me how to spell little five letter words when i know how to anyone so i was like 'this is dumb' and deleted their non sensical posts anyways any more crits? im glad the majority like it
#11
Quote by TrigFunction
Ive become a broken tread gliding
over landmines and trip wires.
Hoping to step my way over the radiating
destiny from the starless sky
covered by clouds and moisture's lies.
And with crashing waters and ravenous tides
stifiled by forceful failures and arguments belide
I'm silenced, now stricken, with the constraints of religion.

You had a lot of good rhyming going on here, internal and external. I cant think of anything to change... it has some really good descriptors as well. nothing to change...
Harbors of faces with veils of blackness
consecrating superiority from the tired deserts
And there we laid under the fatigue ridden sky,
basking in the styles of red and white giants,
and the neon glow from the symmetrical insects.
While laden with designs of perpetual emotion,
we stared at what we thought was small
and wondered if we could ever be greater.

This was a beautiful stanza... I loved the imagery in first 5 lines. I think you could end this better though. I think you should make a good internal line for the last line, as you did the last of the first stanza...

maybe change it to " and wondered if we would ever be better" Idk... just a thought





few changes
-Mike


overall: I really enjoyed this piece, it had great flow and ryhme... Thanks for the crit on my newest piece.
#12
I agree with DanteR on adding an internal rhyme to the last line so it doesn't just..end. I think it deserves a better send off, as this piece is pretty much technically perfect. Although I do think it lacked a certain...something, maybe a little less emotion in this than others I've read... maybe I agree with synth slightly, as he does express that better than I can.. But yeh, I think there was just something missing.

Still, top writing, and it's a nice read. Good Job.
#13
man, u should fire a chorus in there if this is a song, if its a poem its real good but you should try a chorus based around these lines,:
Ive become a broken tread gliding
over landmines and trip wires.

I thought it was real good, 8/10 maybe higher actually
#14
Ive become a broken tread gliding
over landmines and trip wires.
Hoping to step my way over the radiating
destiny from the starless sky
covered by clouds and moisture's lies.
And with crashing waters and ravenous tides
stifiled by forceful failures and arguments belide
I'm silenced, now stricken, with the constraints of religion.

absolutely lovely rhyming here. the only suggestion i really have would be to put "i have become" rather than "ive become" right at the very start, just sounds a lot more balanced to me that way. that is all for here. that is awesome.

Harbors of faces with veils of blackness
consecrating superiority from the tired deserts
And there we laid under the fatigue ridden sky,
basking in the styles of red and white giants,
and the neon glow from the symmetrical insects.
While laden with designs of perpetual emotion,
we stared at what we thought was small
and wondered if we could ever be greater.
personally i don'tlike the sound of "symettrical insects" but that's just me. this was also fantasitc though. the ending line was... just amazing.
sorry for the lameass crit but this is great.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#15
thanks danter, jammy, alice, and dallat. dallat, whenever i write full lyrics, i dont post them on ug just poems. and alice thanks for your always insightful and helpful critiques i used "symettrical insects" because i saw this centipede that had lines across its body ( like up and over) and it was symmetrical AND glowed in the dark and it was like so totally cool.
#16
hey man, I like it totally..my favorite line is from the Destiny of the starless sky, just crittin back and If youd like to, my newest one is The Words To Say When You're Let Down