#1
Crit for a crit, you know the drill. Tell me what to improve, just give me some feedback.

Thanks and enjoy.


Xerosis Pusillanimous Oneiric Imbroglio Concupiscence

A calussed sunrise;
She opens her prozac eyes,
The pupils are dialate and
Her blood vessels are popped from
The rapid eye movement. Her smile
Is faint and endearing but fake
And emotionless, she's telling me
To love her now, not later and I
Break apart and become three ghosts,
One for each tense of time and
I am lost in the past.
She hears pianos,
And she hears violins.

An anesthetized sunset;
Her mouth closes and her eyes
Flutter quickly, batting away
The random firing of synapses,
Her lips are bleeding now,
She bit them too hard when she
Went under the blade and wasn't
Fully asleep. She looks at me
And I look at her and I cna tell,
She's hearing bells,
She's hearing harps.
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#2
yeah dude the song title is retarted like youre trying to prove you know big words. the song is good though
#4
Crit for a crit, you know the drill. Tell me what to improve, just give me some feedback.

Thanks and enjoy.


Xerosis Pusillanimous Oneiric Imbroglio Concupiscence
the title is pure masturbation.
A calussed sunrise;
She opens her prozac eyes,
The pupils are dialate and
Her blood vessels are popped from
The rapid eye movement. Her smile
Is faint and endearing but fake
And emotionless, she's telling me
To love her now, not later and I
Break apart and become three ghosts,
One for each tense of time and
I am lost in the past.
She hears pianos,
And she hears violins.
Wow, nice start! You are a great writer, and a piece like this is what we've come to expect The unusual images are nice. The serated flow is perfect to comunicate the sense of confusion shown here. I love the three ghosts idea, original and fitting. You're setting up your transition nicely, like a well played cross to a distant striker.
An anesthetized sunset;
Her mouth closes and her eyes
Flutter quickly, batting away
The random firing of synapses,
Her lips are bleeding now,
She bit them too hard when she
Went under the blade and wasn't
Fully asleep. She looks at me
And I look at her and I cna tell,
She's hearing bells,
She's hearing harps.
The third line just flows like cream. The rest is good as well, your finale ties well with the transition earlier cited. This stanza was more direct, less imagistic and confused. Terror is mildly embedded. the subject matter is approached elegantly. Good read, solid piece, not much to say here. You really are able to keep a standard of excellence, which is no easy task as a writer. Keep it up bro!

And for karma's sake
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=379586
#5
WOOOOOOOOOOOO what a stinker, so generic
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I helped the bunny you should too.
#6
to the guy above me: If you don't have anything constructive to say, save some bandwith and stfu. You can however say that this piece is a stinker, but if you're allegating such a claim, you better have some good arguments to back you up!
#9
i enjoyed this piece very much, i like how it sorta deconstructs and explains itself in the 2nd part. I really have nothing bad to say except that the title is very confusing. if you could crit one of mine they are in my sig and I also have Silence Amplified which is not. thanks alot solid 10/10
#10
i really like how its a true Beggining/End thing, "sunrise/sunset", "opened eyes/closed".

but the title is just crap. honestly, give me one good reason why thats a good title? i honestly, (trying not to be an ass) wanna understand, why from you're perspective, thats a good title. cause from my perspective, thers a few reasons why it just dosnt work:

1) my bad if im wrong, but it has nothing to do with the piece

2) its obviously just too long

3) its got big words for the sake of it
#11
A.) Title don't have to do with the piece, they in itself can be a piece of art, and if you can properly construct two pieces of art in one entity, I find that way more enjoyable than just pulling a line out of the poem.

Here's is what it has to do with the poem:
[Straight from my dictionary.]

Xerosis - Abnormal dryness, especially of the skin, eyes, or mucous membranes.
Pusillanimous - Lacking courage; cowardly.
Oneiric - Of, relating to, or suggestive of dreams.
Imbroglio - A difficult or intricate situation; an entanglement.
Concupiscence - A strong desire, especially sexual desire; lust.

I wrote it as, if someone were dying, or you had been in the presence of someone dying, how would you feel, and what would be the medical diagnostic of that.

There, that's how my title, fits, it works, stop bitching about my title, everything I do is for a reason.
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