#1
A little piece I just wrote...though not very happy about it. To cliché I think. And less destructive than the normal me.

Will you still love me the next July.

A green field of grass
Turning a dry yellow
Flowers surround us
As we lay there
Needing nothing
But the presence of the other

For a moment
I'm infinately happy
For that moment
Seems like forever

Drip, drip, drip
The rain falls on our faces
The warm summer rain
Drives you home
And I'm struck

For a moment
I was infinately happy
For that moment
Lasted forever
But what after forever
On the sixth day God created mankind, I say it is a waste of time.
My project: _simple_city
#2
cliched sure. i think it is good in a way. maybe it will get you a girlfriend.
I've seen emo-er.


Member of the "I am a Fan of Gaycore Wrestle-Metal" Fanclub.
#3
I think that it gives a good sense of colour, and it nicely represents how many people (inc. me) have felt, lol, iv'e had the exact same experience. The one part which i really don't like is the "Drip, Drip, Drip" part, i'll give it a 6.5 out of 10 (coz it is a little clichéd)
crit for crit? The links are in my sig. preferably not the top one

thanks
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
Last edited by USCENDONE BENE at Jun 21, 2006,
#4
As we lay there
Needing nothing
But the presence of the other


By far my favourite lines. A field setting is extremely cliche, but I think those lines showed a bit more to make it your own. However, the "drip drip drip" stanza was pretty lame, tbh. I just didn't see th eneed to include it. the only other part I didn't really think much of was the last line.

Other than that, it was alright. 7/10. Perfectly fine writing, just not awe-inspiring

Crit Back? Many thanks.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 21, 2006,
#5
Yeah...the second stanza just didn't work out right...as did the last line...but these are the only words I could find so...
And sometimes cliché is the only way to get your feeling out simple and clear...though maybe not original it was the only way to express it...
Anyways crits coming
On the sixth day God created mankind, I say it is a waste of time.
My project: _simple_city