#1
Not really sure about this one; I wouldn't even know what genre to classify it. Anyhoo, let me know what you think... crit4crit

I stare into the future
as the present becomes the past
daydreaming of a time
that was never meant to last
reminiscing of thoughts
long unkown to me
a forgotten piece of heaven
that was never meant to be

my eyes create a glaze
while my soul begins to glare
my heart is bleeding freely
for someone whos not there
the eye of the beholder
has been taken from my grasp
i am like a blind man
who knows not how to ask

My perceptions have descended
like the pale moonlight
upon my empty room
to the devils in the night
i know not what i do
in my somber mellow rage
tales from my bleeding heart
are left upon this page
#2
I liked the second stanza, but I thought the rest was pretty sub-par, especially the flow, it really didn't flow great, most seen in the third stanza.

The first verse was simplistic, and basically an average piece of writing. the second I thought was better, had some nice lines and flowed alright. The third was an improvement, but the flow in it was quite bad.

7/10, I think. Edit it for flow and rhythm and you've got an alright piece on your hands.

If you could crit here , it'd be much appreciated, many thanks.
#3
i would say that it doesn't flow great but could be made into something much better. i dont know what genre you write for but i think that there are so many acousticy songs out there that are very easy to write. if you made it a punk or hard rock song it would be much more original an would be better overall.

so 6.5/10 for lack of orignality and not great flow but room for improvement
Member #29 of the Fender Armada. Pm Arlabester...
Co-Founder of the UG Hippie Club! PM me or Blynd_Snyper to join!

My Gear:
Fender Highway 1 Tele
Fender Blues Junior Amp
Korg Multi effects pedal
Peavey Millenium Bass
Peavey Bass Amp