#1
Here's a new piece from me. I've tried to be more inspired, I think I've improved abit from my last piece, I'd love to hear what you think.

Basically a story about a guy (first person, btw) trying to get a girl, gets her, lose each other, than find one night of passion when they meet by chance in Dover. I chose Dover as I just happened to have a picture of the cliffs up as I wrote, I decided to write a piece including it. There's a big musical difference after the second chorus, it changes in pace slightly slower.

Trying to find inspiraion, I was thinking on working on a "concept album" if you will, say 6-10 songs, all telling one big, long story. I'd love to hear what anone has to say on the idea, but crits for this song come first :P

I'm crit for crit, as always


Well I'll see you later at the party down the reck
I know your going down on this guy but better yet
You'll see me in the gloom as I look into your eyes
Well we'll get through to each other
Make up and improvise

Yeh well the sparks have been lit the flame is on burning
He's shaking he's baking he's totally falling down
Yeh well you've seen me in the gloom my eyes met yours too
Well we'll get through to each other
Make up and improvise

Pick up the phone then
Let's get a-talking

Casual glances and
Stolen romances
We just see each other at parties so
We'll laugh about it later girl
Casual glances and
Conscious trances yeh

I just wanted to try you on for size

How long's it been then since that party night down the reck
I don't know you much my girl but I'll soon know you yet
Well I'm all in the dark I can't see into your eyes
Well we'll get through to each other
Make up and improvise

Pick up the phone then
Let's get a-talking

Casual glances and
Stolen romances
We just see each other at parties so
We'll laugh about it later girl
Casual glances and
Conscious trances
I'll see you again
Well I'll see you again

I'll see you again
I'll see you..

On the white cliffs of Dover
Well Paris move over
The romance in Dover
Oh, the romance in Dover
The white cliffs of Dover
Hands on your shoulder
The romance in Dover
Oh, the romance in Dover

Well I've seen you again
Let's not hope it's the last time
Or then we'll have to remember the time we kissed on the cliffs
And then laugh about it and times like that
#2
i actually kind of liked it, i've read and reread it and its a little hard to follow without hearing the music behind it, but the chorus flows very nicely.. that line about conscious trances... awesome line, beautiful word usage..... overall i give it a 8/10... feel free to crit mine back if you have time "chronicles of a liar" its on the first page... have a nice day
#3
i like it tho by the title im guessin ure a Panic! At the disco fan? well even if ure not if its as good as it seems i would pay 2 hear it. others may disagree but well i lyked it an thas all that matters rite?
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#5
Some parts of this, esp. the penultimate verse are pretty romantic, but avoid sounding dorky, emo etc. But these have to be my favourite lines by far:
"Well we'll get through to each other
Make up and improvise"
Don't know why, just love 'em! It's also quite unique in places, like the third verse "Casual glances..." which has some smooth rhythm and good lyrics. Very good stuff! Keep it up! I'll give you an 8.5 out of 10
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#6
I thught it was pretty good although it seemrd to drag on at times and it was hard to follow
I guess it could use some more complete thoughts and shorten the refrain 6.5/10
#7
Loved it. As always with your stuff man. It was a bit...well, i think it dragged on for maybe a little too long, but still every sentance was of interest and i enjoyed reading it.
Reminded me of a Dashboard Confessional song [you like em?]
And i think your idea is a great one, by the way =]
Fantastic to see some of your work again mayte, keep it up.

franz
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#8
This is one of those songs that I really want to hear with music behind it. I liked it, the language was smooth and it wasn't awkward in any places. Casual glances and/Conscious trances along with Well we'll get through to each other/Make up and improvise were my favorite lines. I really liked it!
#9
Ah Jammy another good piece from you im not convinced if i your good or not haha. That first one i read was awesome and i loved it but the second was bleh...and this one is pretty good too. Theres just a few things id change.

Let's get a-talking

take out the a- its unnecessary

I just wanted to try you on for size

dont use that cliche lil stupid line :P

Other then that its pretty good you succeed in making me enjoy a love song. haha Nice job

-Mike

p.s "landmines and tripwires" if your returning
#11
yea dude i liked it alot the ryming was very nice although it was kinda hard to follow i still reely liked it
#12
this was awesome. i could totally get into this song...it sorta reminds me of bright eyes- love i don't have to love

concept album- listen to Bright Eyes- Lifted or the The Story Is In The Soil Keep your Ear To The Ground...decent concept album

check out my songs in my sig and crit me please.
#13
Well...I don't like long pieces...but this isn't bad.
Nice, simple and clear word usage.
I especially like the Dover part: Paris move over - great find.
The Lets get a-talking makes me think of the Peppers. But it has something nice to it...a bit swing...or whatever.
Overall great piece...and can't wait to read you're "concept album".
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#14
Hi mate, this one sounds pretty tidy. No real glitches I can spot. You have kept the style throughout and told a nice tale of wanting someone and of hope. And if you have the music creating a nice a flow then go for it. Maybe build your concept around the story of a boy and his love efforts in different countries/places. Like you already have the bend over in dover, you could add the 69er in China.

Here I would take out the my kinda sounds old fashioned.

I don't know you much my girl but I'll soon know you yet

Good work Jammy
All the best Mate. oh and I would stick in 161 whoas
#16
dude that was amazing...i really enjoyed it...especially the white cliffs of dover part..just painted so many happy pictures in my head...really good imagery...the mood, at least to me, is like happy and sad at the same time..."I just wanted to try you on for size"...thats my favorite line...and i think the whole concept idea is awesome and i think the song would work well with a romantic concept...don't know if i've ever seen one of those so it would be original and fresh....well keep up the good work man, and never let anyone change who you are or who you want to be....
"Peace, Love, and Stadium Arcadium"
#17
Wow...thanks man, much appreciated.

Oh, and Trig- Inconsistency is one of my best skills

Crit for crit people :P
#18
pretty good, seems a bit lengthy at some points but if you can keep it interesting enough (which you have done, RARE!) it will be awsome live. I think you could really make a crack at it with this. I love the references to Dover too, would have never thought of that.
#19
that was perfect. wish i could give ya a fullcrit, but i cant. i cant see anything to crit about it. really good work man. love especially the reference to the "white cliffs of dover". excellent work.
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#20
Thankyou both, means alot.

More than happy to crit any pieces you have going, just leave a link if you wan a return crit