#1
I wrote this in about 20 minutes, may seem weird but thats the way i write. I usualy write a song, finish it, wait a week, read it and then im usualy discusted by my own lyrics haha, anyway, heres the song. (ps. sorry for my poor understanding of the english language & spelling, im dutch)


-- Bleed --
Walk alone my pretty one,
dance and sing my saddend song.
Break appart the walls of trust,
and build a house set here to rust.
A golden halo shining bright,
was easaly fooled, they were right.
Burn the bridge and wave goodbye,
good luck, farewell and dont you cry.

An act so simple, as nature calls.
Sitting next to dreapary falls.
The cold is flowing through my hart.
And leaves again when set appart.

A darkened shadow haunting me,
where am i now what do i see.
I look ahead and see the source,
I understand but I ignore.
Shining bright and not so far,
the casted shadow heads for war.
Source, creator what do i see,
the vile creator, reflection of me.

An act so simple, as nature calls.
Sitting next to dreapary falls.
The cold is flowing through my hart.
And leaves again when set appart.

I walk alone my pretty one,
through open fields of sharpened thounges.
The pain colides, the fire gone,
I am still running, what have I done?
The brightened light has blinded me,
my mind lit up entirely.
The running stops the pain still here,
ive gone away and left you there.

An act so simple, as nature calls.
Sitting next to dreapary falls.
The cold is flowing through my hart.
Ill always bleed when were appart.
#3
i liked this song a lot, it had awsome rhyme scheme, and it flowed quite well

check out my "a night to remember" song
#4
Tnx for the comments any parts you like and dont like in particular?
#5
i like it. although i dont normally like these kind of pieces but this one i liked. i liked the rhyme scheme it seemed to flow throughout the whole piece. i am impressed, i hope to see more from you. all in all 8/10.
#6
Quote by da ramones
i like it. although i dont normally like these kind of pieces but this one i liked. i liked the rhyme scheme it seemed to flow throughout the whole piece. i am impressed, i hope to see more from you. all in all 8/10.


Wow, tnx alot

Do you have any lyrics of yourself you want reviewed in return?
#8
Flows very well.

I liked this one. Alot. Great for not having much understanding of the english language.
#11
Yea can you check mine if you have a chance?
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
#12
Quote by Burning_Angel
Yea can you check mine if you have a chance?


Sure, ill take a look right after breakfast
#13
it was fantastic, but what are thounges? it has a good flow for it and music wouldn't be needed.
#14
Quote by 4string-tsurigi
it was fantastic, but what are thounges? it has a good flow for it and music wouldn't be needed.


Yeah, as stated my spelling isnt that good sorry, it was tongues then? hehe.. tnx for the good crit, ive written some music to it, ill post it as soon as ive had a chance to record it at home.
#15
ok, i didnt expect to like this based on the title, but i did. i think the use of metre was really good and you did well with the rhyme which didnt really feel all that forced to me, which is always a good thing... this use of rhyme and metre was good for the fact that it echoed the theme of walking and movement which was running throughout...

gramatically, you werent bad, but there are quite a few spelling errors; nothing a spellchecker wouldnt fix though...

anyway, to try and give some specifics...

Source, creator what do i see,
the vile creator, reflection of me.


i think this would be better perhaps as 'reflected me', it might fit the metre better...

A golden halo shining bright,
was easaly fooled, they were right


i didnt like the rhyming here too much, bright/right is just a bit meh... its not awful though, just something that jumped out at me...

but yeah, good work, good job, i enjoyed this .
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#17
Tnx... i have written some music to it too... you can find it here:

http://ceramicuz.com/wouter/tracks/Bleed.mp3

Im singing and playing guitar, but i usualy dont sing, we have singer in my band who sings far far better then me, so try to ignore my poor vocals hehe (im vocaly challanged :P).

What do you guys think?