#1
This is different from the other one, well only in the verses I changed them so much i decided just to make another song out of 'em (i got rid of the AAAA rhyme scheme)
also tell me which you like better v1 or v2 CRIT4CRIT

(verse1)
I believed every word you said
your last word still fill me with dread
you said its better off this way
feels like it was just yesterday

(chorus x2)
Now Im down knocked out
but im still breathing
your all i ever cared about
(my heart is bleeding)

(verse2)
Did you know for you i would
oh i wish if i only could
but you went and left me for dead
You went and TORE IT ALL TO SHREDS

(Chorus)

(bridge(slow part))
when i look on what i miss
do you remember our last kiss
i have somthing i must confess
(i love you and always will)

(Chorusx2)

(outro)
YOU WENT AND TORE IT ALL TO SHREDS

end


Tell me what you think its a little experimental for me, in the middle of writing it kinda reminded me of taking back sunday, CRIT4CRIT
Last edited by stratkat at Jun 22, 2006,
#2
Sounds kinda cliche but I still like it for some reason. Guess I could relate.

(chorus x2)
Now Im down knocked out
but im still breathing
your all i ever cared about
(my heart is bleeding)

This is good but the last two lines should be changed. It's a cliche part, especially the (my heart is bleeding) part. Other wise it seems like it would be a cool emo/core song.
#4
I believe the chorus should not be repeated twice without altering it a little bit, when it is sung the second time. You had good flow throughout the piece but, that is because of your consistent forced rhyming. The piece in itself was very cliche... you need to find more inspiration when you write. Even if that is your inspiration, I believe there are more creative ways of expressing... try throwing in some metaphors or even do an entire piece using symbolization. I suggest taking a gander at the S&L lyrics tips thread... it is very helpful. hope you get something out of this post...
#5
i probably should read the tips thread again, i havent read'em since i started writing and and didn't really read them thoughly.
TY for the crits so far
#6
never mind what i said about how you ended the first verse its awesome how you took power to it in the 2nd
#7
im dumb, i just critted version 1 and i said i cant wait for it to be done. and when i posted that this was already posted. yeah this time around it was ok. but it was a little cliche. lol.