#1
This is a new piece... kind of a cliche topic... enjoy

Avaritia

Lust, coaxed in viridian desire,
Intimate indulgence,
Sex smells like a new car,
Progression depends,
On when you die,
A cycle of sin,
Disentomb dead presidents,
Saturate within,

My scarlet imbued hands,
Is not proof that I killed him,
For I am not the culprit,
I am the victim.

Lay your head upon the ground,
Feel your phantom ignite,
Sapphire lips, and aureate mind
Your acts are coming full circle.

I pray for deliverance,
A mere fresh start,
I ask for revival,
I really did care for you,
Slightly?
I know my lesson now,
Give me life?

Last edited by DanteR* at Jun 22, 2006,
#2
Avaritia

Lust, coaxed in viridian desire,
Intimate indulgence,
Sex smells like a new car,
I will be happier when you?re deceased,
Living a cliché,
A cycle of sin,
Disentomb dead presidents,
Saturate within,
I didn't like this part very much, but the
more i read it the better it becomes



My scarlet imbued hands,
Is not proof that I killed him,
For I am not the culprit,
I am the victim.
Liked this part alot


Lay your head upon the ground,
Feel your phantom ignite,
Sapphire lips, and aureate mind
Your acts are coming full circle.
Loved this part

I pray for deliverance,
A mere fresh start,
I ask for revival,
I really did care for you,
Slightly?.
I know my lesson now,
Give me life?
Didn't like this part so much

sorry i couldn't give any advice on it or say a whole lot
plz crit Im still breathing V2
#3
yea, The two shorter stanzas were great, but the others, I don't see how you can make that flow too well in a song, but that's just me
#4
Im critting because i completely disagree with their comments ^

Quote by DanteR*
This is a new piece... kind of a cliche topic... enjoy

Avaritia

Lust, coaxed in viridian desire,
Intimate indulgence,
Sex smells like a new car,
I will be happier when you?re deceased,
Living a cliché,
A cycle of sin,
Disentomb dead presidents,
Saturate within,

this is all good besides the living a cliche line, i dont really like that its rather... cliche

My scarlet imbued hands,
Is not proof that I killed him,
For I am not the culprit,
I am the victim.

This part i dont really like much at all the first two lines are pretty good but the last two well its like ive heard them before and its not as catchy as you may think.

Lay your head upon the ground,
Feel your phantom ignite,
Sapphire lips, and aureate mind
Your acts are coming full circle.

thats pretty good only thing i MIGHT change (your choice) is the full circle theres many other better ways to put that.

I pray for deliverance,
A mere fresh start,
I ask for revival,
I really did care for you,
Slightly?.
I know my lesson now,
Give me life?

i like the "i really did care for you... slightly thing you had there that was good a lot better then just " i really did care for you" meh the i know my lesson now give me life, you could of ended this in a much stronger way but otherwise its good



nice job teammate

crit mine? landmines and tripwires in sig

-Mike
#5
Thanks Mike, I'll look into editing a couple of the lines you mentioned... I think I might edit a couple of lines in the first stanza, since they are kinda messing with the flow...
#6
Quote by DanteR*
This is a new piece... kind of a cliche topic... enjoy

Avaritia

Lust, coaxed in viridian desire,
Intimate indulgence,
Sex smells like a new car,
Progression depends,
On when you die,
A cycle of sin,
Disentomb dead presidents,
Saturate within,
(this stanza is awesome! i love the line sex smells like a new car, what a bizarre concept)

My scarlet imbued hands,
Is not proof that I killed him, (shouldn't that be 'are')
For I am not the culprit,
I am the victim.

Lay your head upon the ground,
Feel your phantom ignite,
Sapphire lips, and aureate mind
Your acts are coming full circle.

I pray for deliverance,
A mere fresh start, (mere? dont think that's the right word to use)
I ask for revival,
I really did care for you,
Slightly? (IMO this is a bit weak)
I know my lesson now,
Give me life?



Very good, very good indeed.
According to BS statistics, 92% of teens have moved on to rap. If you're among the 8% who doesn't consider rap to be real music, donate your brains, as you clearly aren't using them.