this is more of a poem than a song. I'm working on making it song but I need some assitance so help if you can. Crit for a Crit

Silence Amplified

Smoke ring silhouettes
On a sky of grey
Spoke measures louder
The words you conveyed
The silence carried knives
Sent to assassinate
And regurgitate
Candy coated ?love you?s

Death was hiding in your eyes
And tasted on your lips
You could smell the end was near
On air so thick
You would choke if you tried to breathe
You looked at me and said ?It?s over?
?Never more? I cried
You turned around through the door
Leaving your smoke ring silhouettes behind
this is interesting. The flow get interuppted at times but it's still good. i wasn't so keen on the words in quotes i feel they kind of lessened the poetic value of the piece. but other than that i thought this was decent. oh yeha one more thing the third line didn't make sense to me.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
dude, thats almost my name and also my band's name:Amplified Silence, it ain't the same though,

about the song: it was all good but i didnt get the smoke ring part, the rest is 7/10
I'm with furtherfan 100% here.

I felt that the flow never really got going, it was all a bit stop-start-stop for me. It just never went at a constant, or exciting pace.

Also the quoted lines I felt were kind of just thrown in there. I think you could probably substitute them for a metaphor or two, to make your point without needing to use quotes.

and before I even read further's post, I had problems with that third line. It seems so out of place, I don't know exactly why- it didn't make any sense to me, I thought it read pretty poorly and it's just something I didn't take two.

Hope I've helped And thanks for the crit on mine.