#1
crit for crit, ill be busy for a few minutes, but please crit this and leave a link so i can find yours. thanks

a sweet summer breeze and an obsession with pleasure


why do people kill themselves just to feel alive
and choose to end their awful lives
and spare death the waste of time

staring into space
dreaming of what i will never have
a life well wasted
of love not tasted
by these unworthy lips

why do people kill themselves just to feel alive
and choose to end their awful lives
and spare death the waste of time

its getting worse
shes invading my lustful dreams
turn on the light
i know it not right
but i need to feel this sin


why do people kill themselves just to feel alive
and choose to end their awful lives
and spare death the waste of time

the sun has turned to grey
my happiness has become dismay
the smell of your dead skin
verifies my deadly sin
i look at my blood stained handswhat we do for ourselves
take another life to feel happiness

and now ill kill myself just to feel alive
i chose to end my awful life
and spare death the waste of time
Last edited by punkrocker355 at Jun 22, 2006,
#2
'tis rather good actually, I like the second verse in particular, and feels like it reaches a climax by the end...keep it up
#3
thought this verse was good:
staring into space
dreaming of what i will never have
a life well wasted
of love not tasted
by these unworthy lips

and the chorus was very good but there were some lines that i didnt understand such as:
the smell of your dead skin
verifies my deadly sin

well overall very good 7/10
#6
You need to introduce your ideas into a more original world.

Get away from the cheesey rhymes and work on subtlety, becuase subtle rhyming in songs is always better.