#1
heres a new song that i wrote last night, that was edited by a felow UG member.
i also am not sure one a title, give me some suggestions
enjoy

crit for crit


hey you,
staring out the window,
dreaming of the world thats passing by
well im here to show you,
loves not a waste of time.

Please, don't
waste your time
don't think about leaving
me behind
Cause I'll be waiting for you
always and forever
and i'll show you the truth
That I'm something better.

Cuz life was re-defined,
With you in mind


cuz If beauty were time
you'd be eternity
So won't you sit down
And wait for me?
Cause I'd chase you through the fiery
pits of hell
And I'd save you from drowning,
though I can't swim well

and ide risk it all for oyu,
you know its true


Please, don't
waste your time
don't think about leaving
me behind
Cause I'll be waiting for you
always and forever
and i'll show you the truth
That I'm something better.

Cuz life was re-defined,
With you in mind


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Don't fear,
Take my hand and off we'll go
Don't let life pass you by
Cause I'm here to show you,
Loves not a waste of time

And I'd risk it all for you
you know its true

Please, don't
waste your time
don't think about leaving
me behind
Cause I'll be waiting for you
always and forever
and i'll show you the truth
That I'm something better.
Life was re-defined,
With you in mind


If beauty were time you'd be eternity
So won't you sit down
And wait for me?
Cause I'd chase you through the fiery
pits of hell
And I'd save you from drowning,
though I can't swim too well

And I'd never let go of you
Don't say we're through.

Please, don't
waste your time
don't think about leaving
me behind
Cause I'll be waiting for you
always and forever
and i'll show you the truth
That I'm something better.
Life was re-defined,
With you in mind
Last edited by Smoothrider_41 at Jun 23, 2006,
#2
This was actually really good. The only problem I had was the line "though I can't swim well." You're a talented songwriter.
Green Day rox!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#3
I liked it. I got the 'soft rock' vibe and felt lyrics were pre strong. 8

Song titles: 'Never Let Go', 'No Fear' (a little too cliche for my tastes tho), or maybe 'All Throughout Eternity'
Crit 4 Crit:
Melodic Death--Broken Mortal
Melodic Death--Lost in the Wind
Thrash--Inner Demons

Quote by societies_worm
the sad thing is not only is this guy a dumbass, but he is going to get more replies than i ever have, but thats is funny too
#5
I've got a song i'm working on now, i'll post link once I finish it.
Crit 4 Crit:
Melodic Death--Broken Mortal
Melodic Death--Lost in the Wind
Thrash--Inner Demons

Quote by societies_worm
the sad thing is not only is this guy a dumbass, but he is going to get more replies than i ever have, but thats is funny too
#9
second, yeah i just didnt liek the first 2 lines of the 1st one it just didnt sound right, but your a great songwriter, i especially liked the line 'If beauty were time you'd be eternity' quality man, i'll check out your future posts eagerly
#11
I would say this is a good poem but a little to wordy for a song. Cut some lines.
#14
hmmm...sorry for this crappy crit, but there isn't much more to say, its an awesome song, maybe a little too wordy, but it works. And its got a nice...ah, Slow rock flow to it.

The link for mines in the sig(the only one with a link), once and if you have time.


thx
#16
I think its good, As for renaming it if this isn't the first draft you could take a line or word from the original, Or, I guess the best word would be analogy to the lyrics.
Caution:
May cause death if user is an idiot.
#17
OK, this is gonna be a short crit, because I can't really think of a whole lot to say. I really liked this one. I could really identify with it, which was cool. I agree with what some other people said, you may want to try and trim it down a bit, for a better flow and stuff. It's good writing, but it may be kind of a mouthful in places. If you take out a word or two in just the right spots, it can really ease things up. But I like the content of the song, good job...

Sorry, this was a pretty lame crit.

Cheers!
#18
I actually really liked this song a lot, I could empathise with it a lot, which is always a good thing. I agree with previous comments that you might want to make it a bit shorter somehow, although that also takes something away from it in my mind. I like the flow and the rhyming scheme is used in a good manner, overall this piece is now a personal favorite. Please crit mine when you can- https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=676545. Cheers,

Dan
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#19
The starting didn’t appeal to me very much but after the chorus it was good. The whole expression of saving someone when you don’t know how to swim was really
Appealing for me

“Life was redefined ……………“these two lines really caught me

“Loves not a waste of time” This line is also good like a slap in the face of heartbroken ppl who say **** love but unfortunately I’m one of them, It worked on me so it will work on everyone.

Some of the lines are cliché but it’s really hard to write a love song. No matter how much u try ppl are always like “Sort of a cliché”. I liked how it flowed. Some of the lines are really good. I think it can be a fun song to perform even though it’s a little cliché but whatever works for u man. I am not some genius. I ‘m sure with right kind of music it will do well.

I critiqued the 2nd version because I thought it was the better one .I read ur other piece C4C. Don’t worry about critiques man. Only 1 person’s true opinion is good for u.


Andy
Hi
#20
those are great lirycs
All I would change is the bieggining
I loved the line

Cause I'd chase you through the fiery
pits of hell
And I'd save you from drowning,
though I can't swim too well


#23
This is isn't a full crit, just a quick observation -

This song would be great if you changed the 'fiery pits of hell' thing. It is just so cheesy and corny and childish. Surely you can think of something better than that?

Anyway, I liked this because of the simplicity, and feelings provoked while reading it.

Good job.
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^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#24
Very Beatles like, and I say that as a compliment. Its soft rock stuff I take it which is a really pleasant change for me to be reading. I think both versions are equally as effective and enjoyable so I wouldn't know which one you should lean towards. Both choruses are very catchy which is very hard to do.