#1
First posted song. Not very good, but its a start I s'pose. When I read it, I always play it with a Nile/Deicide type of a rhythm and sing with a real quick pace (just think of 'Lashed to the Slave Stick' type pace). Be honest criticizing it...I won't get too pist if its horrible.

Verse 1:
Torn apart, limb by limb -
Running frantic, burning within.
Chaos pursues, life decays -
I now know the repulsive taste of pain.

Verse 2:
Courtesy replaced, with straight hate -
Destiny gone, I?ve lost my fate.
No longer feel, no longer care -
Fallen to far, I begin to stare?

Chorus:
At the personal hell created -
At the personal hell burning within.
At the personal hell created -
No one?s here to save me!

Verse 3:
Grabbing a hold, pulling away -
These demons now overpower me.
This emptiness, my only place -
Death now has me; I?m face to face?

Chorus:
At the personal hell created -
At the personal hell burning within.
At the personal hell created -
No one?s here to save me!
SAVE ME!!!

Solo

Bridge: (Spoken with a simple, continuous bass line almost as if a narrator)
Crawling along with nothing recognizable in sight -
Wandering aimlessly, unwanted, and abused.
Pain is reality; death merely a final solution to madness -
And yet, suicide's option will never be mine.
For as I move along with an empty soul and grim heart -
The decisions of past experiences torment me endlessly.
Finding myself, crawling on all fours, I feel only loneliness.

Pre-Chorus:
A state of mind that holds me tight -
A state of mind that locks me down.
Addiction knows no boundaries -
I think I?ve just found?

Chorus:
The personal hell created -
The personal hell burning within.
The personal hell created -
A place where no one will save me.


Crit 4 a crit...lemme know how bad it is.
Crit 4 Crit:
Melodic Death--Broken Mortal
Melodic Death--Lost in the Wind
Thrash--Inner Demons

Quote by societies_worm
the sad thing is not only is this guy a dumbass, but he is going to get more replies than i ever have, but thats is funny too
#2
Actually, that's not too bad. I wasn't a big fan of the chorus, but other than that, good job
#3
I wasn't either, but alot of this I wrote within the last hour before posting it. Thank you.
Any other opinions?
Crit 4 Crit:
Melodic Death--Broken Mortal
Melodic Death--Lost in the Wind
Thrash--Inner Demons

Quote by societies_worm
the sad thing is not only is this guy a dumbass, but he is going to get more replies than i ever have, but thats is funny too
#4
I love the verses they are pretty good, and yeah the Chorus may need to be rethought. Other than that pretty good