#1
Not the best song I have ever wrote so I need some help with this one please
There isn't really meant to be any rhyming it's just kinda cool things to say.

SO YOUNG YET SO CHILDISH LYRICS

And as we walked she said
Dear we reek of sex and caviar
As I replied we were soaked by chamapgne rain
I only managed to mutter well we should be caged

Don't say you care because only I do
Don't remember me i'm easily forgetable
I'm a poet who is deaf, dumb and blind
I was left standing for a while so I turned and decided to melt

And if you would like to know
I was surprised at the calmness of this broken man
It shocked me more then killed me
But I still can't blink and breathe

But believe me I did it because you shouldn't know
But I still like you just not as much as anyother
I find it funny that you walked out like that
You didn't need to I would have held the door

And honey dear tell my friend to come on up
Ignore us we'll be swell, dandy and fine
You have to go out give me my independence
It's just you can't see us together
#2


And as we walked she said
Dear we reek of sex and caviar
As I replied we were soaked by chamapgne rain
I only managed to mutter well we should be caged

i would put the spoken dialogue into speech marks, for example:

And as we walked she said
"Dear we reek of sex and caviar"
As I replied we were soaked by chamapgne rain
I only managed to mutter, "well we should be caged"


this is a lot better, grammatically, and also a lot easier to read
i relaly like this opening though. the combination of "sex and caviar" is absolutely classic, fantastic. i cant even begin to type out how many things that represents and symbolises. love it.

Don't say you care because only I do
Don't remember me i'm easily forgetable
I'm a poet who is deaf, dumb and blind
I was left standing for a while so I turned and decided to melt

the first three lines were aweosme, the fourth IMO was not so much. "decided to melt" was a real letdown, i must say. jsut sounds incredibly weak, and not very poetic at all, to tell ya the truth. i'd relaly work on that line.

And if you would like to know
I was surprised at the calmness of this broken man
It shocked me more then killed me
But I still can't blink and breathe

"it shocked me more than killed me". good god i can't begin to describe how utterly fantastic that is. this stanza is perfect.

But believe me I did it because you shouldn't know
But I still like you just not as much as anyother
I find it funny that you walked out like that
You didn't need to I would have held the door

this stanza, it seems to me, does not fit in. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying it's bad, but after reading the rest so far your amazing style seems to have been replaced here by more of what i would call a "documentary style" it's very narrative and not as quirky as the previous stanzas. nice ideas, but it doesn't quite work here i dont think.

And honey dear tell my friend to come on up
Ignore us we'll be swell, dandy and fine
You have to go out give me my independence
It's just you can't see us together

now you've reverted back
again, a perfect stanza, and an even more eprfect ending.

i loved this, really did. it's something special and so is your style.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#3
infact, hell i'll do it. Song of the week.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#4
It's good but sometimes I feel as though you should make your lines shorter maybe. I keep sayin I'm a sucker for long lyrics but I can't see this song with it like that. Of course it very well could be damned good as it is, I dont know. Also do you not have a chorus in thsi song?
#7
I'm wondering about your title though, and if you intend to keep it? Its redundancy gave me a bad impression until I was more familiar with your style. You can probably come up with something better for these lyrics.
#8
Quote by J_J_Kool
It's good but sometimes I feel as though you should make your lines shorter maybe. I keep sayin I'm a sucker for long lyrics but I can't see this song with it like that. Of course it very well could be damned good as it is, I dont know. Also do you not have a chorus in thsi song?


There's no chorus for it and thanks for the comment
#9
Hehe, i really enjoyed reading this, its a song with lots of little plot-twists (well not literaly, but it kept suprising me, instead of getting boring after a stanza or two)

You're writing style is really unique and that makes this a good song, i especialy like these 2 lines:

I find it funny that you walked out like that
You didn't need to I would have held the door


gj
#11
I'm going to be perfectly honest, I like it, but I think your song is kind of like The Beatles, it's awesome but I feel that people overrate it slightly.

On another note, I have this melody I made up while reading your song and it fits so well.
#12
holy ****! we actually have a SOTW cheers to Alice for doing this.

uh, as for the song, it was alright, but could definitely do with some retouching and a little bit of revision. One thing that I found was that you included a bunch of exstraeneous words such as 'but' that dont need to be there and it would probably be more powerful if you didnt use them as it waters it down.

Quote by Jallas
But believe me I did it because you shouldn't know
But I still like you just not as much as anyother
I find it funny that you walked out like that
You didn't need to I would have held the door

this stanza, it seems to me, does not fit in. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying it's bad, but after reading the rest so far your amazing style seems to have been replaced here by more of what i would call a "documentary style" it's very narrative and not as quirky as the previous stanzas. nice ideas, but it doesn't quite work here i dont think.

I agree, and Alice says it better than I could so I decided to just repeat her

as far as flow goes you definitely know what your doing and I actually feel that your capable of even better. Not much to say after that... keep up the good work, and way to be the first SOTW!

#13
Indeed, it's a good poem...but not song-worthy. Unless of course, you make some music with it...we'd have to see.
#14
congrats on the song of the week thing!! i thought it was really cool and interesting to read. but i did like the first half better than the second half. but i agree, it can be better if you revise it. anyways, sorry, not really a critique but whatever. just congratulating you and telling you my thoughts on your lyrics. cool, keep up the good work!
The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops moving when the music does.

Last.fm
#17
yeah i thought it was a good song, thanx 4 your crit, back to your song: there's not much 4 me to crit so ill just say good song
#18
Nice piece.

But I'd have to, once more, say I agree with synth here, I keep saying that, but it's true, it's spot on advice, and advice you shold take on board.

Anyways, it was pretty neat and tidy, and I suppose a deserved SOTW. Keep it going.
#20
This piece is pretty good, but I agree with synth: It could be better.

"But believe me I did it because you shouldn't know"

I really, really like that line for some reason still-as-yet-unknown by the concious part of my mind :P. The last stanza is really great, too. Congrats on getting the first ever song of the week
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#21
I thought it was very good, i agree with the me effect, i really like that line, im not sure why. and the rest is very good as well.

"It shocked me more then killed me"

Also liked that line a lot. Good job and congradulations on song of the week
.....