#1
oh sleep now please whilst the winds grow wild
and the rain lashes at the door in penance
for the joys of summer sun that we have loved
as the rain falls falls falls falls falls.

then little pools will form fresh and
they will be the end of contrition
and stand flush to the ground
and seep in the cracks
and be testament to the
guilt of pleasure and joy.

oh wake now whilst the sun beams through the door
and warms through walls and hangs so hazy
and dries the pools that stand as penance
that the cycle may continue again again again.


this was 100% a freewrite; i just sat down and typed what i felt... i guess i though about structure a little as i did it, about half way through the second stanza i decided what it was going to be like overall, but i still think this qualifies as an on the spot.

crit for crit, like for like, i hope you like this, im more happy with it than i have been with any piece ive written for a while.
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
Last edited by Gurgle!Argh! at Jun 26, 2006,
#2
oh sleep now please whilst the winds grow wild
and the rain lashes at the door in penance
for the joys of summer sun that we have loved
as rain falls falls falls falls falls

ok first off, this was really great, really great imagery here and it sounds aweosme. however i picked up on one tiny thing which i think needs to be straightened out: each time you're talking about a different aspect of the weather, twice you use the definite article and twice you don't. eg. "the winds", "the rain" but then only "sumemr sun" and "rain"

what i'm saying is that you need continuity, and personally i'd edit it so that they all take the definite article, so:

for the joys of the summer sun that we have loved
as the rain falls falls falls falls falls


i think this sounds a lot better

then little pools will form fresh and
they will be the end of contrition
and stand flush to the ground
and seep in the cracks
and be testament to the
guilt of pleasure and joy.

love this. c'est parfait.

oh wake now whilst the sun beams through the door
and warms through walls and hangs so hazy
and dries the pools that stand as penance
that the cycle may continue again again again.

again, really like this stanza too. very nice ending touch to it and lovely atmosphere and emotion maintained throughout.
the only thing that perhaps i can suggest about this piece is to lengthen it a bit, i feel it could be something really amazing, kind of like Keats' nature poems or whatever, but nonetheless it sounds great as it is.

good job matt
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Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#3
Its really well written, and becouse you've written it just in one time its also very direct for a poem and i really like that. I am not a big fan of things like this:

as rain falls falls falls falls falls


But maybe thats just my total lack of imagination that fails to grasp the meaning of things like this hehe. Anyway, i never see the purpose of repetition in that way. But to each his own.

Overal i like it and enjoyed reading it gj!

here's mine (if you have time to write a crit):
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=380724
#4
haha. only read the first two lines so far, and that pretty much described wat was happening last night it made me laugh anyways.

I wasn't so keen on using whilst. and the falls falls falls falls was alright. i like the repetition in songs but not so much in poetry or anything of that nature.

I would have liked it better had there been symetry (i know i spelled that wrong but it's kind of earlier and i can't remember how to spell it at the moment) in the repetition but at the same time i liked that there wasn't.

Also i liked the use of fresh as a noun instead of an adjective. The middle section was by far my favorite part.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#5
I think it's a really nice piece. It kind of reminds me of The Hush Sound (which is a total compliment - THEY RULE). I really, really loved the first verse. Normally, I'd go against repeating the same word in a verse but you managed to pull it off, repeating it *counts* 5 times. Great job.
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Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
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#6
Quote by iMaiden
Its really well written, and becouse you've written it just in one time its also very direct for a poem and i really like that. I am not a big fan of things like this:

as rain falls falls falls falls falls


But maybe thats just my total lack of imagination that fails to grasp the meaning of things like this hehe. Anyway, i never see the purpose of repetition in that way. But to each his own.

Overal i like it and enjoyed reading it gj!

here's mine (if you have time to write a crit):
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=380724


the repetition came because i was kind of thinking of when its raining and theres that constant sound of the rain hitting the window over and over, i guess i wanted to echo that... i guess it is a bit lazy in some ways, but its just felt right having it like that...

alice, i put a 'the' before the rain bit, i agree with you on that, but i didnt on the summer sun bit because i wanted summer sun to be a bit more general i guess, and i thought the definite article might lose that...

thankyou to everyone who has critted so far...
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#7
that's cool.
ps. oxford open day on weds \m/
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#8
^haha, you'll love it, we ALL know that oxford is way better than cambridge .
my name is matt. you can call me that if you like.
#9
I wont be able to go to either anyway too dopey lol even with my Physics grades :<.

Anyway the song. For the on the spot I have to say amazing, all I can say bad about it is the same as jallas did in his first post. Other than that damn good.
Songs working on :

Nitelife