still in a rut. this has bad repitition, how enjoyable. leave links and i'll try to get to them. i've been busy as hell as of late. this needs a lot of work, if i don't scrap it completely.

"an epilogue"

just remember me as a time; twelve o' eight.
so you can think of me at least twice a day.
even if only for a moment; a minute, a memory.

remember me as an ancient or antique place;
with unfathomable elegance in imagery, or brilliance,
in case you wanted to come see my face.

remember me as a song;
even though you don't know all the words,
you can still try to sing along.

you always had a beautiful voice.

remember me as a scene; a portrait, a play, anything.
a waltz, a tragedy, a romantic poem; any creativity.

remember me as a luminary romantic;
you can try to predict my every thought,
my every action, my every plot.
but you'll forget that the simple things
are all that really matter.

remember me as a stagnating moon;
the flowers and gardens are in a lackluster bloom,
but only because i wanted the world to focus on you.

you always were too beautiful.

but if anything, remember me as a dream;
because i know i've never meant anything.
and it will only take one night, for you to forget me.

never remember any moment we've shared.
never remember.
I liked the first stanza. but is there any significance to 12:08? also liek the brief alliteration.

okay i really liekd this. although the repetition was definately there since you stuck to it i think it worked out really well. I can't really say anything about this. i liked it a lot. also your subtle rhymes really strengthened this piece. Also the ending i felt was brilliant and a good twist for the rest of the piece.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
That's some great rhyming going on there.

I'll try to get to this piece later and leave an in-depth comment.
I enjoyed this piece, I didn't catch the significance of the time, but still, It was nice.

just remember me as a time; twelve o' eight.

I think you could drop the "just" here, and maybe use that in a later stanza- to me it seems it would add some variation to the repetition later on.

in case you wanted to come see my face.

That seemed like a pretty weak line, I'm sure you could improve on it, but I do like your rhyming.

remember me as a song;
even though you don't know all the words,
you can still try to sing along.

I think this disrupted the flow- my advice would be to try and keep to the line length of the previous two stanzas, and mess with it after the one line break- I think the piece may benefit from it- of course, just my opinion.

The "anything" from the couplet seems a little less stylish than your other vocabularly- and you also use it later on, so I think you could change one or the other.

Other than those points, I think this was quite brilliant, with a nice ending. 8/10, infact I think it could be a nine with a bit of tidying up

If you could keep a lookout for the next piece from Jammydude44, It'd be much appreciated- my newest piece has had enough crits, I don't want to be greedy, but if you could just remember the name, I'd be thankful
Thank you sir, I agree with most of what you said but I was too tired to word those any differently. I'll revise later tonight, maybe. Right now I'm going to go drink a bit.

edit - Okay, I'm back from drinking, and I'm tired. So I'm going to sleep. I know I owe you guys, and don't worry, I'll repay the crits. I'll get to them tomorrow after work, I get off at 11pm central time, at earliest.. it depends on if I have to stay late or not, anywho, thanks again guys. Just to clarify, the "12:08" part deals with somebody who was very close to me who died on December 8th a couple years ago. I use "12/08" fairly often in my very personal pieces.

Thanks again guys, I appreciate the comments so far. I know this isn't the best and I know it doesn't compare to some of my other stuff, not saying my other stuff was brilliant or anything.
Last edited by Final at Jun 24, 2006,