#1
still in a rut. this has bad repitition, how enjoyable. leave links and i'll try to get to them. i've been busy as hell as of late. this needs a lot of work, if i don't scrap it completely.

"an epilogue"

just remember me as a time; twelve o' eight.
so you can think of me at least twice a day.
even if only for a moment; a minute, a memory.

remember me as an ancient or antique place;
with unfathomable elegance in imagery, or brilliance,
in case you wanted to come see my face.

remember me as a song;
even though you don't know all the words,
you can still try to sing along.

you always had a beautiful voice.

remember me as a scene; a portrait, a play, anything.
a waltz, a tragedy, a romantic poem; any creativity.

remember me as a luminary romantic;
you can try to predict my every thought,
my every action, my every plot.
but you'll forget that the simple things
are all that really matter.

remember me as a stagnating moon;
the flowers and gardens are in a lackluster bloom,
but only because i wanted the world to focus on you.

you always were too beautiful.

but if anything, remember me as a dream;
because i know i've never meant anything.
and it will only take one night, for you to forget me.

never remember any moment we've shared.
never remember.
#2
I liked the first stanza. but is there any significance to 12:08? also liek the brief alliteration.


okay i really liekd this. although the repetition was definately there since you stuck to it i think it worked out really well. I can't really say anything about this. i liked it a lot. also your subtle rhymes really strengthened this piece. Also the ending i felt was brilliant and a good twist for the rest of the piece.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#3
That's some great rhyming going on there.

I'll try to get to this piece later and leave an in-depth comment.
#5
I enjoyed this piece, I didn't catch the significance of the time, but still, It was nice.

just remember me as a time; twelve o' eight.


I think you could drop the "just" here, and maybe use that in a later stanza- to me it seems it would add some variation to the repetition later on.

in case you wanted to come see my face.


That seemed like a pretty weak line, I'm sure you could improve on it, but I do like your rhyming.

remember me as a song;
even though you don't know all the words,
you can still try to sing along.


I think this disrupted the flow- my advice would be to try and keep to the line length of the previous two stanzas, and mess with it after the one line break- I think the piece may benefit from it- of course, just my opinion.

The "anything" from the couplet seems a little less stylish than your other vocabularly- and you also use it later on, so I think you could change one or the other.

Other than those points, I think this was quite brilliant, with a nice ending. 8/10, infact I think it could be a nine with a bit of tidying up

If you could keep a lookout for the next piece from Jammydude44, It'd be much appreciated- my newest piece has had enough crits, I don't want to be greedy, but if you could just remember the name, I'd be thankful
#6
Thank you sir, I agree with most of what you said but I was too tired to word those any differently. I'll revise later tonight, maybe. Right now I'm going to go drink a bit.

edit - Okay, I'm back from drinking, and I'm tired. So I'm going to sleep. I know I owe you guys, and don't worry, I'll repay the crits. I'll get to them tomorrow after work, I get off at 11pm central time, at earliest.. it depends on if I have to stay late or not, anywho, thanks again guys. Just to clarify, the "12:08" part deals with somebody who was very close to me who died on December 8th a couple years ago. I use "12/08" fairly often in my very personal pieces.

Thanks again guys, I appreciate the comments so far. I know this isn't the best and I know it doesn't compare to some of my other stuff, not saying my other stuff was brilliant or anything.
Last edited by Final at Jun 24, 2006,