#1
Okaaaaay. Well, this is different from my usual stuff. It's dedicated to two of my friends - Joyce and Justine. And to Matt (Auals) for the whole world ten times over.
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The walls don't make companions and the windows barely speak
The mornings are less than welcome and the nights are just as bleak
Your mind's up on the wall, you left it there for fun
You're imagining your life away, you know you'll never be done

Don't blame me for lost opportunity
I never said "no", just "I don't know"
I never said "leave me be", just "don't blame me for the world"
Cause, honey, I can't make it go away
At least I'm trying to get by
What about you?

The music's good but not that great, it doesn't cover up the fact
That you're on your own, you're leaving alone for a lack of tact
Your mind's back home hanging, you left it there for fun
You're wishing your life away, you know it's long been gone

Don't blame yourself for lost sanity
You never wanted it to go, just to go where you'd know (it was)
You never wanted to lose it all, just to be able to fall
Cause, honey, we all need to fall
But they couldn't see why
What about you?

We toe the line and leave behind
The last bits of what we thought we had
And replace it with something to make it
Seem a little less crazy/mad
They don't get it, don't ask me why
Your guess is as good as mine

I'm walking the line, same as you
Walking the line, barely making through another day
We're barely making through another day
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#2
well off the bat i think it ould flow better if it was "morinings less than welcoming" the BB rhymes in stanza one i thought were very weak.

"That you're on your own, you're leaving alone for a lack of tact"

That line is kind of redundant i feel.

I also believe it should be tow the line.

this piece had a very off flow to me and it was alright in my opinion. I didn't really like it that much but i didn't hate it either.

hate doing this ubt i want some feed back so you think you cuodl take a look at my piece?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=379836
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
Last edited by furtherfan21 at Jun 23, 2006,
#3
Thanks for the crit. I'm working my way through something of a writer's block at the moment . So most of my pieces are total crap. I'll work on it.
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.
#4
yeah im the same but you can tell you're overcoming it.
Guitars gear
Fender Nashville Telecaster
Vox AD30 Valvetronix
Zoom 707 multi effects
#5
Hahaha. Thanks. I've decided to work my way through it rather than wait for inspiration. So yeah, most of it right now is definitely not something I'd write regularly.
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Whoa I just had a revelation: What if god is a dog?A big white fluffy dog that drools a lot and pees on random people and humps strangers' legs?
Quote by 0fishaleded
Wait..if someone owns a dog that does that..WTF
Quote by forty-six_and_2
Than...they own god! That's it. I'm getting a dog.