#1
crits for crits tell me what you think and send me a link for your song if you want me to crit it

hello dear friend
could you give me the time
im on the run
form a women that was once mine
shes full of hate
but splashed with joy
when the lights went out wed both enjoy
when shed close her eyes
and open her legs
bit her lip
its time for bed

lusting soliders must be touched
lewd is dangorous itll make you bust
all over her from her head to toe
its like winter but a sticky snow


achoo bless me what a great time
i had the moment of pleasure
thats defenatly mine
4 walls a window and hindges on a door
my lifes full of filthy little *****s
sins are bad deeds are good
comforts an exception its missunderstood

lusting soliders must be touched
lewd is dangorous itll make you bust
all over her from her head to toe
its like winter but a sticky snow

never mind buddy i dont need it now
il be on my way
to let her walk by it wont be allowed
#2
Not bad, nice rhythm. But if I were you i'd let it rest for a while, then come back to it and edit it because it needs that.
According to BS statistics, 92% of teens have moved on to rap. If you're among the 8% who doesn't consider rap to be real music, donate your brains, as you clearly aren't using them.
#3
I argree its pretty cool, but still needs some work. Dont overwork it though.
i reckon itll sound pretty cool with some heavy funk in the background if you were to turn it into a song, which could be easily done
#4
Pretty cool, could use some work.

when shed close her eyes
and open her legs
bit her lip
its time for bed

That part was great.

Mine is further down the first page.
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"
#5
Meh, not your best, I don't think. It just seemed lazily put together, some of the rhyming seeemed very forced, it didn't flow, It's all pretty simple stuff, plus some grammar and spelling mistakes. I just didn't think much of this one, at all.

It seemed like you just had the topic on your mind, and forced the words to go with the topic, if you get what I mean. Like, your heart wasn't really in this piece, but you felt you had to write it.. somthing like that.

sorry, just didn't do anything for me Keep writing, I think you can improve on this.
#8
Not bad...I don't think I could ever really see it as a song unless you put little more work into it, but it kinda made me........giggle on the inside like a lil school girl, lol. That "usually" doesn't happen everyday...
Crit 4 Crit:
Melodic Death--Broken Mortal
Melodic Death--Lost in the Wind
Thrash--Inner Demons

Quote by societies_worm
the sad thing is not only is this guy a dumbass, but he is going to get more replies than i ever have, but thats is funny too
#9
lusting soliders must be touched
lewd is dangorous itll make you bust
all over her from her head to toe
its like winter but a sticky snow
HAHA

this is pretty good 8/10
plz crit im still breathing
it doesnt matter which version.