#1
Hey everyone, this is my first piece in a while. C4C, as always.

This is a piece that was influenced by many people I've talked to that are questioning their religion in the light of all the world disasters. Thx for the crits in advance .


Verse1
When I sit in the sanctuary
Preachers tell us, with total certainty
That atheism's a one way ticket to hell
And I cannot help but wonder
During trying times and through the lies
If the afterlife just doesn't exist

Chorus
Where are you
It seems you're never here
Where are you
It seems you're never near
Please come back
Please save us

Verse2
When I watch our world crumble to dust
I see many hearts lose their trust
In the mercy of one great power
And I cannot help but wonder
During trying times and all the lies
If an afterlife really does exist

Chorus


Verse3
If you really are in charge of all things
If your're really the king of kings
Why do you let tragedy strike the earth
To tell the truth I really wonder
When times are tough and feelings rough
Why are you doing this to us

Chorus
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Jun 23, 2006,
#3
The only song I've ever enjoyed about religion is the song I Feel Like The Mother of The World by Smog for the lines "Whether or not there is any type of god I'm not supposed to say. And today I don't really care. God is a word and the argument ends there."

So I'm going to be tough here but please don't misinterpret the honesty of my opinion for meanness. All I mean to do is tell you what I think.

I don't like it and here's why:

Though it's valid thought it's still a pretty second rate philosophy and it doesn't go much further than "if God is real why doesn't he prevent bad things from happening" and "if God exists where's the proof?". If you were really interested you could go to a church which would probably give you answers to these questions which you may or may not agree with and then you could write about those. The fact that this is a very vague, broad song shows a considerable lack of thought in the area other than a couple of unanswered questions. The truth of the matter is that songs about religion are hardly ever very impressive because they're usually based on easier, well-known theories that most people have considered (at least to some extent) already. That said when they hear it in a song it's probably not going to get them to think, they'll already agree or disagree with you. (Oops, what I said there, and will continue to say in a moment, is for an audience that of adults, if it's an audience of kids or teenagers you want to aim your music towards this doesn't apply so much.)

Of course that means to write a truly thought provoking song like this about religion you'd have to be somewhat of a philosopher and though there have been some great philosopher/writers, most writers are not philosophers.

And that's why I think people for the most part should avoid writing songs about religion.


That's only as far as the philosophy of this piece goes. If you wanted me to talk about the writing of it I'd have to bring up a lot of issues like rhyme and word choice that I'm not prepared to talk about right now as I have, as of late, been falling into the same traps.

Best of luck on your writing voyages, if you'd like me to critique any more of your work in the future send me a PM or something (I'm not around enough to keep an eye out for anything in particular.)

Peace,
LTT
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#4
I really liked this, I'm sick of hearing forced rhyming all the time, but with this there doesn't seem to be any forcing, if you understand what I'm saying.
The message that your trying to get across realy well, and its not that obvious.
You have found a ying-yang balance between rhyming and not ryhming and getting your message across. I also like the ending line of the entire song "Please Save Us" it leaves the message of the song imprinted on the readers mind.
Thanks for writing a great song and keep up the good work.
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#5
lol thx for the crits everyone, and LTT i hear what your saying, and your statement does have credibility. I'll get around to all your stuff soon.
#6
I like everything, with the exception of the choruses. I think they were just a bit bland.

Otherwise, good piece. And thanks for criting mine.
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#9
ty again...I think I'll change the chorus a bit, then I'll post a new revised version here, but any other crits would be welcome.
#10
Personally, I enjoyed the chorus. I have to agree with less than that, though. Be careful about how you interpret God's actions. I don't want to sound like a preacher, but God will never allow us to get to the point of complete destruction of our race. Everything happens for a reason and He keeps an eye over everything. Otherwise, good lyrics. Not a bad job. The second verse was my favourite. Keep it up!
#11
Very good! Verse 3 is awesome! Since I suck at giving crits, a simple 9/10 will do
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#12
AAA hit it on the head, and he took my main point of this...

However, I will say that the chorus is somewhat decent. The rhyming in the verses is absolutely terrible. It's so forced and childish. "kings" "things"? Really...

Between the subject matter being so broad and annoying, as well as not phrasing your ideas creatively (The first verse with the line about the aethiest is terrible.), coupled with the rhyming and terrible word choice, you have a very lackluster piece.

Sorry.

Keep up the writing though.

If you could have a look at mine, it's called: "When Ransom Notes Descend Gracefully Down Subway Stairs Are They Really That Bad a Thing? (Manufactured Beauty)" Thanks.
#13
Brilliant. I considered writing a song about religions and people opinions (makes a change from my constant songs about love and sex).

You put your opinion across really well in this song. As many people have said I think that the third verse is the best bit. Also the chorus does seem a little iffy and could do with some work. Keep it up thoguh 9.5/10.
Songs working on :

Nitelife
#14
It flowed really nicely. I enjoyed the subkect matter. I thought it was very deep. I've tried many times myself to write about something like this, but never turns out well. Your piece however was good.