#1
yo, i wrote this over the course of a week to keep me awake in english class, so its prolly kinda.... whatever. it supposed to be for a metal song so that might help u decode it, and i dont yet have the arrangement all set out for it, but im workin on it, but tell me wut u think, crit4crit.

The Forsaken

Verse 1
i cant understand what it is that im feeling
all i know is what is her just hating me
i cant give a f**k about my life after this point
the only thing i want is the sound of when it is gone

Pre-Chorus
i feel numb, no emotions, gone
i cant stand what is has become
theres no way out, no way out

Chorus
will this darkeness inside me
light the way to my beginning
holding on to all thats left unforsaken

all this hatred within me
brings truth to what i believe in
letting me know that im the only thing forsaken


i still gotta finish the 2nd verse and the interlude but i feel that i gotta good start........but i'll leave that decision to u guys.

Peace!
My Gear
Schecter C-1 Hellraiser
Peavey Valveking 112
Line 6 über-Metal Pedal

Quote by pwrmax
All you care about is looks? No wonder you have it hard.

Quote by srvflood
You can't have sex with her personality.
#2
well im glad that anybody even bothered to helpa brutha out
My Gear
Schecter C-1 Hellraiser
Peavey Valveking 112
Line 6 über-Metal Pedal

Quote by pwrmax
All you care about is looks? No wonder you have it hard.

Quote by srvflood
You can't have sex with her personality.
#3
Quote by shadowsoldier08


The Forsaken

Verse 1
i cant understand what it is that im feeling
all i know is what is her just hating me
i cant give a f**k about my life after this point
the only thing i want is the sound of when it is gone

first line reminded me of One by metallica but other than that is a good opening line, it works well as an attention grabber. the rest od this stanza is pretty good to, the flow is ok, but i like that you didnt choose to force the rhymes. pretty solid intro.

Pre-Chorus
i feel numb, no emotions, gone
i cant stand what is has become
theres no way out, no way out

well this is alright, leaning on the cliche side but its for metal you said right? so there should be nothing wrong with that. another solid stanza for a metal song.

Chorus
will this darkeness inside me
light the way to my beginning
holding on to all thats left unforsaken

all this hatred within me
brings truth to what i believe in
letting me know that im the only thing forsaken

now this is the best part of the song i think, how you chose to write it, it was great. again its on the cliche side, but it fits the song genre, and you didnt force anything, it seemed as if you let your emotion take control of you, or like you said you were just bored. but good nonetheless.






thats all i really have to say about this, i dont listen to metal, but i think it might fit it just fine, those were some good lyrics cliched but still good.

if you want to crit mine

http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=381523
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know