#1
kind of a weird concept, it about death and when you deteriorate inside.

The Last Zeppelin

(Verse)
He rode the last zeppelin
He found a grenade, he pulled the pin
It blew up in his face

She did it once and she'll do it again
But this time she will inflict pain
She was a disgrace

There is a liar inside of me
He eats the soul that makes me me

(Chorus)
Father told me it was a sin to cry
Stay strong and don?t you dare lie
Live your life and be prepared to die
Do as I say and you'll be fine

(Verse)
When the clouds hang low in the sky
You have to wonder exactly why
Why did I end up in this place?

(Bridge)
There is a devil inside of me
He eats what is left inside of me
There is a devil facing me
He is choking me and I can?t breathe

(Chorus2/ending)
Father told me it was a sin to cry
Stay strong and don?t you dare lie
Live your life but be prepared to die
Do as I say and you'll be fine
Father told me not to cry
I didn?t but I did die!
Finally I am free
It seems they?ve heard my plea!

He rode the last zeppelin
He rode the last zeppelin
He rode the last zeppelin
All the way to heaven
#4
I'll crit when I get home tonight, but you should probably read the lyrics tips thread again, I see a bunch of issues that could be improved on by absorbing that thread. Also if you really wanna make sure I remember to get back to this you can crit mine on the first page
#5
I like the analogies in it a lot.

The word inflict in the first verse seems odd though, as though it'd likely throw off the meter. I'd change it (but then again, you might not want to listen to me) to something like "She did it once and she'll do it again/ But this time she'll inflict some pain". Inflict's got some hard sounds in it.
#7
no offense but it seemed as if it was from an amateur..... and the thing that bothered me most was the constant "me" in the bridge...... the first three lines ended with me and it sounded strange to me. but other than that it was ok. could you crit mine? its in my sig, thanks
#9
Quote by Shadowz_at_Dawn
kind of a weird concept, it about death and when you deteriorate inside.

The Last Zeppelin

(Verse)
He rode the last zeppelin
He found a grenade, he pulled the pin
It blew up in his face

Ok, i thought this was a little too literal.

She did it once and she'll do it again
But this time she will inflict pain
She was a disgrace

This wasn't too bad

There is a liar inside of me
He eats the soul that makes me me

I didn't like this at all; the constant repetition of "me" ruined what could have been a good idea if excecuted properly.

(Chorus)
Father told me it was a sin to cry
Stay strong and don?t you dare lie
Live your life and be prepared to die
Do as I say and you'll be fine

This was the best part of the song. It makes a very good chorus.

(Verse)
When the clouds hang low in the sky
You have to wonder exactly why
Why did I end up in this place?

Didn't like this much, again could have been a good idea but you just didn't execute it well at all.

(Bridge)
There is a devil inside of me
He eats what is left inside of me
There is a devil facing me
He is choking me and I can?t breathe

Same as the comment above.

(Chorus2/ending)
Father told me it was a sin to cry
Stay strong and don?t you dare lie
Live your life but be prepared to die
Do as I say and you'll be fine
Father told me not to cry
I didn?t but I did die!
Finally I am free
It seems they?ve heard my plea!

Ok, the extension on this absolutely ruined the chorus. I suggest you drop those lines.

He rode the last zeppelin
He rode the last zeppelin
He rode the last zeppelin
All the way to heaven

This was alright.


Ok, overall you had some pretty good ideas but you really didn't execute them well at all. Wht i mean is, you had some good images and metaphors but you spoilt them by being too literal; make it a bit more obscure. Good luck

Could you have a look at mine in my sig for me please?