#1
Will someone give me a head start?
I need to come out from this shell and get frenzy
Will someone wish me "good luck"?
I need to come out from my room and get free

I couldn?t change the shape of this world
As you know, and I know, I?m just like you
I couldn?t hold this rope that divide us
As you know, and I know, It?s hard to let you go

Getting older everyday
Easily lost in every way
That I took..
I?ll return to my family tree
Wash the mud on your face
Escape from disgrace
That you took..
And I hope you?ll live happily?.
#2
Is it meant to be that short? I suppose so, the only reason i ask, is because you could have gone further with this. The lyrics are pretty unique, and also interesting. The song has good rhythm, except in the last part, where it kinda goes "pear shaped", cos it is hard to read and keep the tempo, which is a shame becuase it was my favourite part, these were my favourite lines:
"Getting older everyday
Easily lost in every way".
The only other thing which i didn't like much was the fact i could't work out what this song is about, but thats probably my fault. I'll give you a seven out of ten, keep going.
Please crit the bottom song in my Sig. "Too Late To Say"
later
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
#3
actually the meaning is obvious.. it's about a couple who ran away from their home but finally they decide to return to their home because they couldn't face their problems on their own..
Last edited by kurtnovogrohl at Jun 24, 2006,
#4
Quote by kurtnovogrohl
actually the meaning is obvious.. it's about a couple who ran away from their home but finally they decide to return to their home because they couldn't face their problems on their own..

I read it again, and realised it was actually pretty obvious
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
#5
Actually I don't thin kit was that obvious..

To me this seemed like a mix of ideas thrown together- especially the third stanza where the flow and structure changes for, I think, the worse. I don't know, your piece, but I would try and tighten up that last stanza for flow.

I thought the wording here was incredibly simple, no strong or powerful imagery/metaphor, and not really clever rhyming or wording- it just seemed a bit so-so.

Which is how I'd rate this, so-so. 6/10. Try to liven up your writing with some of the techniques mentioned above

If you could be as kind to crit back, here is my latest piece. Many thanks.