#1
Hey Guys, this is my first attempt at a "love song" for my girlfriend. Tried to make it as original as possible, but i cant help but thinking i've failed miserably lol. Its only the 3rd song i've written, so please don't start reading expecting something great or even good. Any comments are appreciated, good, bad, whatever. Im crit for crit aswell, link to your song if u want me to crit it.

Thanks.

Verse 1.

No matter what i do,
I'm always thinking of you.
No matter where i look,
Remember my breath you took.
From the first kiss,
to the last,
too much time has past,
i need to see you,
touch you, be with you.

Chorus.

But Since you've left,
I feel no need for breath,
Even though, its only for a while,
I'd give absolutely anything,
Just to see your smile.

Interlude.

The thought of an existance,
Without you in it,
Is plainly unbearable,
unthinkable,
deniable.

Verse 2.

The thoughts of you,
keep running through my head,
Aint a thing that i can do,
No you is the thing i dread,
Like a lion without food,
I'm hungry to see you,
Be with you,
I love you.

Chorus.

But Since you've left,
I feel no need for breath,
Even though, its only for a while,
I'd give absolutely anything,
Just to see your smile.

Bridge.

One month feels like forever,
And a week of that is gone,
I feel needy and deprived,
But my message remains strong,
I need you, i miss you,
I love you.

Chorus.

But Since you've left,
I feel no need for breath,
Even though, its only for a while,
I'd give absolutely anything,
Just to see your smile.

Outro.

Just a little while longer,
Is what my mind says,
Just stay a little stronger,
Only a few more days,
But still my heart grows fonder,
Just to see your face.
#2
I liked this. The first verse is absolutely great, and would fit for almost any summertune there is. The chorus fits the song like a glove. The interlude; I feel, isn't really needed, but sets for a nice change of pace in the song. The second verse is a good as the first, again it has that catchy summer rythm. The bridge beginning starts out excellent, but goes a little cheesy with the ''I need you, I miss you etc.''. But I guess that IS indeed the ''Message that remains strong'' eh? The outro fits is all perfectly, a great finish-off in the song.

9/10!

Click ''Sarcophagus'' in my sig to crit my newest please. Thanks!
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#4
Hmmmmm.... this is;

Totally Cliche Versus Heartfelt Emotion

And to be honest.. I didn't thin ktoo much of it. Been done before too many times and you have brought nothing new to this type of song... try imagery and metaphor in your next pieces, they make it more exciting to read.

However, whomever this was written for, unless a songwriter, will find this romantic, so... yeh, good job.

If you could crit back here it'd be much appreciated. Many thanks.
#5
No matter how hard i tried, it always went towards Cliche, so in the end i just gave up and let it go there.

Thanks for the help.

Any more crits. appreciated.