#1
i know that this isn't my strongest piece, but i haven't been writing too much recently so i guess you could say that i'm out of the swing of things. but yeah tell me what you think.

breathe under this starlit sky,
breathe through the lungs
that bleach the midnight air.
shoulders damp from flooding eyes,
"it won't end like this honey,
this is not your path".
hazy dreams block out the nightmare
that plagues her pale complexion.
wishing upon a star was always in her mind,
but her mind also played tricks
upon which she sold herself to a lover
whom preached to other women.
liquer lined breathing, tobacco filled air.
the flame and the gas bleed into one another,
lighting her face as she looks to the heavens.
"why betray me in this way,
you said it was written in the stars.
so why won't you shine for me?
why won't you make my last breath one of peace?
i'm bleeding to you, i'm bleeding upon your feet"
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#2
first off I your user title makes me chuckle... well, now that thats out of the way:

uh, hmmm, for some reason I'm having a very hard time judging this piece and here are the reasons I think. firstly, there are some brilliant lines that I wish I thought of and i hate you for being able to create them before I got a chance, lines such as "liquer lined breathing, tobacco filled air." and just bloody brilliant. However, mixed between this 'brilliance' are some very scattered and unnesesary lines so I would just comb for the extraeneous a tid bit. second, the blend between your general vague statements and your specific statements either dont have a strong enough contrast or they dont blend well enough. An example of this is the transition between line 4 and 5, it seems very unnatural to me. Reading it again, I notice nothing else that I would call a problem and I can definitely tell that your a brilliant writer. So ya, nice piece, solid, nothing amazing, but definitely solid and deffinitely had its moments of brilliance. Keep up the good work

#3
thank youuu

i know what you mean about the mix of quality. i've been struggling slightly recently..
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#4
I can't really compete with synth's crit... but I'd probably be in a greement with him.

I think you know which parts are good and bad, as synth said you are a good writer, so therefore you know what's what with your pieces.. tidy this up and it would be an excellent piece.

Good stuff, keep it going.

Could you crit back? Here is my latest. Many thanks if you do get around to it.
#5
I don't want to sound mean or anything, but alot of your writing seems to be the same to me.

It's good to have a style, but there's having a style and then there's being stuck with your old stuff.

I've seen you write about stars and skies and love and bleeding and etc etc.

Surely there's more to your life than that and sometimes you consider writing about those things?

Try something different.
#6
i guess what i post seems to have similarities to each other. but i don't post everything i write on here basically because i don't think people have time for some of the things i write because they are so personal to me. the pieces i post tend to be the pieces that... i dunno are more reader friendly i guess...?
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#7
I'm gonna have to disagree with the other critics. I like these lyrics. I think most of the lines are pretty cunning. I see your icon is Chiodos, and as I read this that's who I thought the words sounded like. Words from their pieces. Awesome title too. Good job bro.