CRIT4CRIT This is a poem that will eventually end up being a chorus for sumthing ill edit it later and add more

My eyes grow bigger ill pull the trigger
Ill end it all with the twitch of a finger
my tears flow just like my eyes were bleeding
be careful boy her eyes are misleading
just dont turn your back shell tear you apart
stop it now shes playing games with your heart
Last edited by stratkat at Jun 24, 2006,
hmmm...i can't say I like it to tell you the truth, it might just be me but it just seems bland and a little too cliche. A few good points though, the rhythm is good and it doesn't seem very forced, but i just get myself to actually like it, but thats just my opinion .

The link for mine is in the isg(the only one with a link), once you have the time.

Thx and sorry for the pretty crappy crit.
Not my style, but I'll give a crit a go.

In my opinion, it doesn't have what t takes to be a memorable chorus to song- it lacks a hook, and I found the rhyming annoying, for some reason. To be honest I think it would make a better ending or something else if you still plan to use it- but for a chorus, I can't see it as being a succesful one.

But, it's yours, and I'm sure it'll look better with more added to it. Good luck.

Crit back, stratkat? Here is my latest. Many thanks.