#1
Ok, I was cleaning my room and found this. This is supposed to be cliched and flow a little easier, because I wanted to turn this into a song a long time ago with my friend. Its about a year old now..haha. But, Ill post it here because I would appreciate some help on how to make it flow better, or input on new ideas or paths to take. As you can see, its definitely not great quality material, because I wrote it so long ago...but writing means growth..so:

The Places You Have Never Seen Were Right Before Your Eyes


You've always been a class act, though you've never graduated
Keep me hanging on these pending grades because
(Pass or fail, I'll never tell)
That school teacher fetish turned me on for days
(And I'd rather have detention, keep me detained)

So keep shooting me through the head
(Sniper scope, accuracy one hundred percent)
And then maybe you'll see what I've been thinking
(Fifty caliber straight through the skull)
And then maybe you'll see what I've been wishing
(Only to find out that you were killing yourself)

While I lay here against the wall, with the bloodstains
Forming pictures and landscapes of our first dates
And where we would have loved to go
(But you keep eating me alive)
You're a cannibal, so many people say red meat is bad for you
(But I've never seen a sick tiger)
You're a liar, a theif and I've hidden my chest
Behind the sweater you gave me last Christmas
(Oh so ironic, its iconic)
Though I'll never be the hero

So keep shooting me through the head
(Sniper scope, accuracy one hundred percent)
And then maybe you'll see what I've been thinking
(Fifty caliber straight through the skull)
And then maybe you'll see what I've been wishing
(Only to find out that you were killing yourself)

So keep shooting me through the head
(Sniper scope, accuracy one hundred percent)
And then maybe you'll see what I've been thinking
(Fifty caliber straight through the skull)
And then maybe you'll see what I've been wishing
(Only to find out that you were killing yourself)

Open casket funeral
(Rest in peace, peace in knowing nothing)
Open casket funeral
(Rest in peace, in peace will always come war)
Open casket funeral
(Rest in peace, rest in false beliefs)

And this is the part where we dreamed of so much more
Though you kept waking me up at the best part
(Though you kept shaking me with your fissure-like thoughts)
And this is the part where the end becomes as lucid as the moonlight
Cowering behind that one sole cloud
(This is the end)
And my one last vision is now
(So keep shooting me through the head)
(And maybe you'll see what I've been thinking)
(Maybe you'll see what I've been wishing)
(Only to find out)
And my one last vision is now
(Only to find that the dead body was yourself)
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#2
No one?

Ill return all crits tomorrow, I promise. I already made the list of who I owe
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#3
it seems very taking back sunday like, with adam singing one part then freddy singing the other. i like it
#4
i don't mind the non-italicized parts, they actually show some decent writing talent. but the ones in italics are pretty stupid, they make the song almost comical.
Quote by T.S.R.
what?
if i were a midget...id go masturbate in public because...hey, im a midget and i can get away with anything


Quote by yawn
I heard Hitler was a pretty good guitarist back in his day...


Quote by guitar?
You're a towel.