#1
Here's another piece, hope you like this... About the immidiete love and care when a relationship first starts- be it girlfriend, parenthood etc. that slowly develops into routine..

Btw, you may see a piece from me soon that is a rant against my "mates", so I apologise in advance if I post a mediocore rant without thinking...

Last few words said over some triumphant last chords.

Crit for Crit, of course. Enjoy

ETA: I've decided I don't like my title. I need something wittier any suggestions would be gratefully accepted.
ETA: I changed it, but still not happy with it.

Well if you look outside today what do you see
A kiddie swearing and laughing
Acting like they shouldn't be
Well it can't have been long since they were only two or three
But their mum's just don't know
Or don't care, you tell me
Well if you look inside another house today and say what you see
You got your forty year mums working
While Dad sits glued to the Tv
It can't have been long since he was eating his wifes tea
But his heart just don't know
Or don't care, you tell me

And where's the loving feeling gone?
I know passion disappears but still this is plain wrong
I'd like to see what would happen if their
Roles were reversed
Well your guess is as good as mine
Maybe someday, sometime

Well if you looked in the mirror today what do you see
A clean shaven happy man
Or something you shouldn't be
It can't have been long since you were only two or three
But time moves on and on
How come no-one told me
Well if you took a good look at the couples on the street
Well they ain't looking at each other
But looking down at the concrete
It can't have been long since they're eyes last did meet
They're hearts just don't know
Or don't care, you tell me

And where's the loving feeling gone?
I know passion disappears but still this is plain wrong
I'd like to see what would happen if their
Roles were reversed
Well your guess is as good as mine
Maybe someday, sometime

What's left after passion, the future and beyond?
On the evidence all I've got so far
Is a secure, trusting bond
And whether that's good enough for me I'm not sure

I guess the flame will eventually burn out girl
Let's just wait and see how long...
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 24, 2006,
#2
Well if you look outside today what do you see
A kiddie swearing and laughing
Acting like they shouldn't be
Well it can't have been long since they were only two or three
But their mum's just don't know
Or don't care, you tell me
Well if you look inside another house today and say what you see
You got your forty year mums working
While Dad sits glued to the Tv
It can't have been long since he was eating his wifes tea
But his heart just don't know
Or don't care, you tell me
First half is better than the 2nd, but they're both good

And where's the loving feeling gone?
I know passion disappears but still this is plain wrong
I'd like to see what would happen if their
Roles were reversed
Well your guess is as good as mine
Maybe someday, sometime
Loved this part

Well if you looked in the mirror today what do you see
A clean shaven happy man
Or something you shouldn't be
It can't have been long since you were only two or three
But time moves on and on
How come no-one told me
Well if you took a good look at the couples on the street
Well they ain't looking at each other
But looking down at the concrete
It can't have been long since they're eyes last did meet
They're hearts just don't know
Or don't care, you tell me
the middle is good i like the first 2 lines better
than the last two


And where's the loving feeling gone?
I know passion disappears but still this is plain wrong
I'd like to see what would happen if their
Roles were reversed
Well your guess is as good as mine
Maybe someday, sometime
I didn't like the last two lines i like
the first half and can really relate to it


What's left after passion, the future and beyond?
On the evidence all I've got so far
Is a secure, trusting bond
And whether that's good enough for me I'm not sure
i can really really relate

I guess the flame will eventually burn out girl
Let's just wait and see how long...
good outro

7/10
#3
Really liked it, Rhymed nicely, and seemed to really paint a picture for me. Good work. 8/10.
#4
It's a good idea and it reminds me of Simon Armitage.

But I'd go around it a different way.

I'd shorten it, to show how it doesn't take long for the relationship to change.

I'd also use a few more metaphors or something to hold the ideas together and keep the reader intrested.

It wasn't bad at all, just a little childish.

Try really think about what you're doing as you do it and don't be affraid to re-write stuff. I used to think "you can't re-write stuff!It derrives it of the emotions you were feeling at the time", but I was wrong, it helps it quite alot most of the time. Depends on what you're writing really, but work on the language used to give ti a stronger feel to what you're trying to say.

Re draft it and pm it to me if you want, I'll help you then.
#5
This is good work dude.

Overall, I think your best choice in order to improve would be to try writing without rhyming. It holds you back (sometimes) from the general message, and can impact negatively on the reader's perception of the piece as a whole.
Of course, some people can't live without rhyme, and there's nothin' wrong with that either.

Altogether I thought that the ideas in this piece were thoughtful.
#6
Many thanks to you all.

Pickups, although shortening it would add a bit of symbolism or someting, it is a song, so I feel I did need a verse-chorus-verse-chorus structure. I did shorten it by ending it rather quickly after that, although I do thank you for your suggestion.

I agree with you on my lack of metaphors. I will try to develop my skills using that.

I do usually go back and re-write things, but I tend to leave it a few weeks before I do, for some reason. Hell, it's just the way I work

Once more, thankyou for the crits.

ETA: Damn it CJW, I always miss your posts like that

thanks for your point. I used the rhyming like that to show what I had said in bold in my foreword, about routine. Many thanks for the crit again mate, I'll be straight to your next piece when you do.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Jun 25, 2006,
#7
i liked it a lot, and you really painted a picture well and captured a meaning into the lyrics
.....

#9
I like the last line, especially since I'm in a relationship that's at the end of it's fuel. Sigh. But I gotta say I didn't like the short section inbetween about "roles reversed" and the rhyme with plain wrong seems forced. But I like the way you tied the introductory verse to the second one. overall I'll give it an 8/10: pretty good with a few blemishes.
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#10
I thought the rhymes in the first verse were a little bit forced. Not bad though.

And where's the loving feeling gone?
I know passion disappears but still this is plain wrong
I'd like to see what would happen if their
Roles were reversed
Well your guess is as good as mine
Maybe someday, sometime

I liked this part.

But time moves on and on
How come no-one told me
Well if you took a good look at the couples on the street
Well they ain't looking at each other
But looking down at the concrete

I liked this as well. I thought it might be a little bit long, possibly try to cut out some unnecissary parts if you can find any. Overall, good job, 7.5/10.
#12
Hi there Jammy mate, This is a great message and think this tells an accurate story. cause it happens to most people in a relationship, its like the sun rising and setting, you get it up and then it goes down. I would like to see a bit more imagery bud, not bucket loads, but a little to create a more visual tale rather than just facts, like pickups said just to keep the reader satisfied a tad more. It is still a good piece bud and I enjoy your writing, it has a lot of energy and excitement buzzing out of it. but you know what you are going for, so as ever upto you bud. i would change that another in the 7th line to some other, as it sounds more to the point imo matey and you haven't said anything about looking into one b4. whoa an Italian defender just got sent off, surley not an upset, sorry about that.

And where's the loving feeling gone?
I know passion disappears but still this is plain wrong


The 2nd line here could be more thoughtful I am sure it fits your music, but doesn't read as good as it could.

If passion disappears,what's left to make it stay strong an idea tis all but you know what I mean young master.

Keep it up bud, and hope you well
cheers Jammy
#13
Thanks Glenn, I agree with everything you've said there.

And I'm all for the Aussies, means my mate's out of our sweepstake and another team the mighty England don't have to face

Hope your well too mate, I'm doing good atm
#14
hey dude i really liked this piece of yours all of your pieces are good but i really liked this one it followed well

i was wondering if you could crit my piece its kinda funny but seriously
(its in my sig)
#15
Here you go.

Well if you look outside today what do you see
A kiddie swearing and laughing
Acting like they shouldn't be
Well it can't have been long since they were only two or three
But their mum's just don't know
Or don't care, you tell me
Well if you look inside another house today and say what you see
You got your forty year mums working
While Dad sits glued to the Tv
It can't have been long since he was eating his wifes tea
But his heart just don't know
Or don't care, you tell me
Ok, Im going to be honest throughout. I dont like the use of "kiddie" in the second line. Its just my style of writing/speech. I'd personally use "child/children" but thats just the way I was brought up. Anyways, I just feel as if this whole stanza has a lot of forced rhyme. I think you could break up some of the sentences as well, such as the 7th line. I like what you are saying, but I just think that you could say it a lot better. Another line I really didnt like was the 10th. I think you meant "drinking his wife's tea," but the whole stanza just seems childishly written to me.

And where's the loving feeling gone?
I know passion disappears but still this is plain wrong
I'd like to see what would happen if their
Roles were reversed
Well your guess is as good as mine
Maybe someday, sometime
This isnt a bad chorus. In the second line, I think you could reduce syllables by taking out "still." Also, I think, perhaps in a verse, you should expand upon the concept of the roles being reversed, because it could be pretty intriguing to read your perspective on it.

Well if you looked in the mirror today what do you see
A clean shaven happy man
Or something you shouldn't be
It can't have been long since you were only two or three
But time moves on and on
How come no-one told me
Well if you took a good look at the couples on the street
Well they ain't looking at each other
But looking down at the concrete
It can't have been long since they're eyes last did meet
They're hearts just don't know
Or don't care, you tell me
Ok, well this stanza is a little bit better. I like your message here, but in a way, I think you should have stuck more with what you were talking about in the first stanza and the chorus. Not that this is a bad turn, but it may help flow easier and bring it all together in the end

And where's the loving feeling gone?
I know passion disappears but still this is plain wrong
I'd like to see what would happen if their
Roles were reversed
Well your guess is as good as mine
Maybe someday, sometime

What's left after passion, the future and beyond?
On the evidence all I've got so far
Is a secure, trusting bond
And whether that's good enough for me I'm not sure
Fine

I guess the flame will eventually burn out girl
Let's just wait and see how long...
Im assuming the love flame? Haha, L-O-L-O-L-O-V-E. Anyways, this is fine too

Im sorry if I sounded harsh, I dont mean to, this is just how I woudl honestly crit it. So, just remember its all my opinion and take it for however you wish. Hope to read more from you
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