#1
last piece ever, leaving soon, c4c, catch y'all on the flipsyde (clever word play, no?), I'll explain if necesary. too much alliteration? O, and I'm pretty sure the beggining, middle, and end are the weakest parts of the piece so any advice on those sections would be ace

PURPLE!

Jox & Chix

Acrylic ballerina lay crying on cacti,
Strewn on their bodies, torn blouse and bled breast
And from fragile cloud, trickle drips of smooth lacquer
Soaked in allure for six-packed brawn brawler,
And it burns their plastic tongues,
The yearning cuts their bleeding gums.

Tornados are whirling the dessert?s sweet shame,
Sweeping the names inscribed in the hearts writ in sand,
Blowing the skirts in the air.

Tornados are whirling the dessert?s sweet shame,
A veil of sand burning synthetic skin,
Blowing the skirts in the air.

And they speak in hymn drowned out
By the swirling cacti flowers
Blowing whimsy in the gusts:

?Disaster Disaster! O sweet rapture come faster!
Take us away from this prickly world!
Take us into the eye of the ravaging dessert,
Let us watch as our flowers unfurl,
To the twirl of tornadoes and drips of smooth lacquer,
To the heart of the serpent?s blue blooded stare?

Last edited by #1 synth at Jun 25, 2006,
#3



Jox & Chix



I like this, but it does seem kinda weak, the use of the words cacti and toothed don't really seem to fit.
Acrylic ballerina lay crying on cacti,
Strewn ?round their bedding, blouse impaled on toothed thorns
And from fragile cloud, trickle drips of smooth lacquer
Soaked in allure for six-packed brawn brawler,
And it burns their plastic tongues with yearning.

Like this line a lot, short but good, I like the imagery here.
Tornados are whirling the dessert?s sweet shame,
Sweeping the names inscribed in the heart?s writ in sand,
Blowing the skirts in the air.

This line es good, not as weak as the first one, again, nice use of imagery and ,personification?
With static sob and fixed fantasy
The ballerina spin such sweet faux dream,
Of the serpent?s blue blooded stare
Making it?s way past plaid pattern ajar,
Into the stockings cut loose,
Torn and fed to the burn of black nature.

Not much to say here, but "whimsy" might not be the best word choice in the last part.
And they speak in hymn drowned out
By the swirling cacti flowers
Blown whimsy in the gusts:


This probably the best part of the thing, the opening of "faster faster..." is great, nice ah, not imagery but, emotion.
?Disaster Disaster! O sweet rapture come faster!
Take us away from this prickly world!
Take us into the eye of the ravaging dessert,
Let us watch as our flowers unfurl,
To the twirl of tornadoes and drips of smooth lacquer,
To the heart of the serpent?s blue blooded stare?


Overall, this piece has a good rhythm and flow, even with the lack of alot of rhyming, so pat yourself on the back for that. The words in some lines could be replaced by other, more powerful or flowing ones, but good in general there too.

9.5/10 (just a few minor, picky things that only I would pick-up)


Mines the only one with a link for it in my sig, once you have the time.

thx, and good job .
#4
yeah this one was very good. well thought presented. i cant see anything wrong with it. and #1 synth you're leaving?! thats a shame...now we'll all have to settle for that bitch #2 synth....c4c? you bet you are!
#5
*edited slightly*

Thanks for your views, AAA especially. yes, #2 synth is a bitch, but once he leaves you'll be with #3 synth and he's a ****ing party beast

I'll get to you guy's tommorow, I got home later than I thought I would.
#6
work on your placement of your vocabulary, it's too dense, they're all huddled together, and the lines are too alliterated to make any sense beside mindless imagery.

Thanks for impersonating me though, I find it flattering.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#7
I agree with the above.

I did think it had too much alliteration in it, and, yeh, I don't think it read as great as your others.

But still, it had good flow, and some of the rhyme was nicely done.

Good Luck synth.
#9
I guess I didnt make the meaning I intended completey easy to see.

Keywords: Barbie, Virginity, Abuse, and cacti=symbol for distraught beauty (cacti-flowers to the thorns that prick, which is also alluding to virginity) also the title is pretty important.

And yeah, I kinda was experimenting with brevity and vividness of imagery and how concise I could make it before it would become too 'clumped together', o well, I guess i failed at that, cheers.
#10
pretty good lol
Anyone play gunbound? then add johnny93


....you must tap into: THE FORCE!
....or: THE FORCE! will leave you
....then, you will no longer have: THE FORCE!
#12
"disaster! disaster! oh sweet rapture come faster!"
bloody excellent line. the rest was bloody excellent too. i think i has gone over a lot of peoples heads though. maybe they are the stereotypes youre getting at here. i didnt think it was too complicated or anything but maybe for some people.
there are doors that open
there are doors that dont

A recent study shows that 8% of teenagers listen to nothing but music with guitars in it. Put this in your sig if you're one of the 92% who aren't close-minded morons.
#13
Quote by curtis uck
"disaster! disaster! oh sweet rapture come faster!"
bloody excellent line. the rest was bloody excellent too. i think i has gone over a lot of peoples heads though. maybe they are the stereotypes youre getting at here. i didnt think it was too complicated or anything but maybe for some people.


Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...

/Dr. Evil
#14
no ret he's right, I have just never realized how ****ing brilliant I am, you and me curtis we're a dying breed, people that are smarter than all of the rest of UG. thank you MR. Curtis for showing me the light. We should go form a pretentious kvlt where only we would be members because only we understand my brilliance.

I rule.

I repeat
...
...
...
LAWL!
#16
Quote by #1 synth
no ret he's right, I have just never realized how ****ing brilliant I am, you and me curtis we're a dying breed, people that are smarter than all of the rest of UG. thank you MR. Curtis for showing me the light. We should go form a pretentious kvlt where only we would be members because only we understand my brilliance.

I rule.

I repeat
...
...
...
LAWL!



You're like a 2nd or 3rd generation Kyle.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#19
It's a big insult.

Not as bad as being called 2nd Generation Keeno. That just ****ing blows.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#21
Quote by Something_Vague
It's a big insult.

Not as bad as being called 2nd Generation Keeno. That just ****ing blows.


You just wish you were a 2nd Generation Keeno.
I hearts you and your beard, Matt.

Oh, Kyle is grovermans, you should be glad you don't know him.

jking.
#22
I ****ing figured it out! I figured out why my writing is crap! Its because I'm a hippo(tehee hippo)crit and I cant escape myself by barring substance off myself through deceit. kk, thanks for your help, just thought I should let you know I figured it out, now no one try to deceifer what I just said cause you'll think its gibberish, which it is, which is what makes it so brilliant.

Advice of the night/Dylan line of the night: Two waning skin colors/A simple waltz with reception/Men drowned in packets of words/Silent, static words/Two waning skin colors.

Again, take no note of the previous, just a subconcious reminder for myself to do something in the future.

/gibberish