#1
SORRY MODS oh god. I read the rules AFTER I posted. sorry about the thread title.

hey. uh this is my first song I've ever written. it's kinda tied to some girl I love that I live away from. she wanted me to write a song for her and I thought it was a good idea so I wrote this. I haven't really strung it with a melody or any music really..

and any suggestions for a title?
revision would be nice.. help my out on my first time? thanks.

V1]
You're sitting there
All alone
With no one
To call your own
Grab my hand
I'll take you away
I swear to you
I'm here to stay

Chorus]
I'll take you where
You've never been
I'll show you what
You've never seen
For you there's nothing
I wouldn't do
Anything at all to prove
I love you

V2]
Surrender yourself
Alone to me
Within my love
I'll set you free
I'm here for you
And you should know
Your hand's in mine
I won't let go

(chorus? I don't really know song structure. help me out here thanks.)

V3]
Without you
On my throne (anything better for throne? please tell me I don't really like it.)
I'm just like you
I'm all alone
Please follow me
I'll take the lead
Please believe me
Love's what you need

(chorus again? help..)

(is that good enough for an ending? lol help please! thanks)
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Last edited by Raijin.xiii at Jun 24, 2006,
#2
The words are good, i like the raw emotion. The theme is pretty common, but the imagery got through (brought back some memories of past relationships). So you got that part down.

One of the things I can think could use changing is the rhyming and the meter. They're the same throughout the entire song, so when you put it to music you'll probably run into that (Whenever I write a song I always write it with my guitar in my hands, to solve that problem). So my suggestion is that you change the meter of either the verses or the chorus, give your song some variety.

Lastly, here's a quick sample song structure for you: Verse 1, Chorus, Verse 2, Chorus, Bridge (something musically different from the verses and the chorus) then another Chorus to end it. You can try other structures, but that's just one way.