#1
Verse 1

Got his first guitar
When he was thirteen
Would never really
Put a down the thing

A practise practise
Was a all he did
Never went a out
With his friend Sid

He a played until
His a fingrers bled
He even took a
The thing to bed


Chorus

Guitar player
Listened to slayer
Never knew he
was great player

Guitar player
Listened to slayer
Never knew he
was great player


Verse 2

Every year that passed
He would get better
His hands moved so fast
All looked like a blast

Unbeliveable
A fingers blazin
Mind a bogalin
He was amazin

For some a reason
Thought he was no good
Even though he should
Even though he should!!!

Chorus

Guitar player
Listened to slayer
Never knew he
was great player

Guitar player
Listened to slayer
Never knew he
was great player


Chorus

Guitar player
Listened to slayer
Never knew he
was great player

Guitar player
Listened to slayer
Never knew he
was great player


so what did you think
#2
Well, it's simple, but it's alright. The choruses don't make sense, grammatically. "Never knew he was great player" ? Also, you screwed up the rhyming sequence here;

"Every year that passed
He would get better
His hands moved so fast
All looked like a blast"

That line is meant to rhyme with 'better' not 'fast'. Also, you've only had this thing up for about eight minutes. There aren't people here constantly checking out the front page for new threads.
#5
"Every year that passed
He would get better
His hands moved so fast
All looked like a blast"
any ideas of how i could change this
#6
To be totally honest... awful.

Exceptionally bad grammar, extremely forced rhymes and a flow that stumbles to the finish line- this piece just never got good.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but, y'know, I think you need a kick up the behind if you are going to improve in your writing. Check out the lyrics tips thread for ideas on how to become better- using various wriitng techniques and devices. Learn that you don't need to rhyme, so you can open up a wider variation of words to get your point across. And learn the basic of the english language. Read some books.

Keep writing, you should never give up becuase of one bad crit. It takes time to become a good writer. Open your eyes to the world around you for ideas. Search the web for more lyrics help. Write down everything you think of. you'll benefit from it.

Good Luck.

ETA: Bumping your own thread, especially after only a few minues, is truly bad form. so is double posting, use the edit button. Check out the forum rules and FAQs, they're stickied at the top of the page.
#8
Not to disagree with Jammydude44, who made some excellent points, but not ALL rhyme is bad. Bob Dylan was quite a fan of rhyming, and he has written some of the greatest lyrics ever.
#9
^^^ to correct you, I didn't say rhyme was bad- the rhymes here were forced, so thats why I mentioned that you don't have to to rhyme. Of course, if you can rhyme well, then yes, you would write some of the best lyrics. But you'll get nowhere with forced rhymes. All in moderation, I guess.

Peace.
#12
yeah i agree, i dont like the bad grammer and rhyming, if you just tidied it up a bit it could be pretty good
Songs working on :

Nitelife
#13
bad stuff. just awful. the rhymes suck, the grammer is horrible, my advice on how to improve this song is to destroy it. just trash it and try again.
B.C. RICH
#16
Was he a Juke Box Hero?
Takamine EG531SSC - "Kim"
Fender Mexican Stratocaster - "Jessica"
-Texas Special Pickups
Crate Palomino v16 Class A Tube Amp

Well it's floodin down in Texas
#17
umm, do you speak english, yanno, as a first language?
BUY SOME PHOTOS..Click here, and then click 'store'

Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
lol man plz dont take this the wrong way but you really cant rap.
#18
to tell you the truth, it kinda sucks. It sounds like bowlin for soup lyrics and no-one wants to sound like bowling for soup, unless ur 10yrs old
Gear:

Epi Les Paul
Epi Tony Iommi SG
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Boss tuner
Marshall 1993 Jcm900 Stack
#19
Is this supposed to Avril lavigne, see i can't even spell her last name right, thats how much i dislike her. But back to what i was saying is this supposed to be like that Skaterboy song? i
#20
Is this supposed to be like Avril lavigne, see i can't even spell her last name right, thats how much i dislike her. But back to what i was saying is this supposed to be like that Skaterboy song? i did not really enjoy this piece very much.
#21
you've got great potential, but, the forced rhymes arent very great, switch stuff up a bit. It always works for me.
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Agile AL3100 Silverburst (w/Entwhistle Dark Stars)
#22
It seems that this needs a bit of work. Just try using fewer forced rhymes (like most people have said) or try using an entirely different rhyming scheme. With work this has great potential, but with work everything has potential.

Just apply yourself and keep trying and you'll find the right way to make it sound better. Always challenge yourself to become better by reaching just a bit out of your limits to sretch those boundaries.
#23
this song reminds me of summer of 69 - bryan ad adams
Guitars gear
Fender Nashville Telecaster
Vox AD30 Valvetronix
Zoom 707 multi effects
#24
the lyrics were a bit forced, as people said before....otherwise I actually enjoyed it. I think it would work better as a poem though. If you can, crit my song, its in my sig. thanks


EDIT: "Every year that passed
He would get better
His hands moved so fast
They said he wouldn't last... "

just a suggestion, or maybe something along the lines of that. what you had before doesn't really fit and is an extremely forced rhyme. maybe you should just **** the rhyming at the end of that stanza/verse all together.
ICE
CREAM
IS
GONNA
SAVE
THE
DAY
...AGAIN
Last edited by Room On Fire at Jul 8, 2006,
#25
Quote by Inprisoned
Is this supposed to be like Avril lavigne, see i can't even spell her last name right, thats how much i dislike her. But back to what i was saying is this supposed to be like that Skaterboy song? i did not really enjoy this piece very much.


you spelt it right. why bring avril into this?
AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL AVRIL
#26
Quote by Jammydude44
To be totally honest... awful.

Exceptionally bad grammar, extremely forced rhymes and a flow that stumbles to the finish line- this piece just never got good.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but, y'know, I think you need a kick up the behind if you are going to improve in your writing. Check out the lyrics tips thread for ideas on how to become better- using various wriitng techniques and devices. Learn that you don't need to rhyme, so you can open up a wider variation of words to get your point across. And learn the basic of the english language. Read some books.

Keep writing, you should never give up becuase of one bad crit. It takes time to become a good writer. Open your eyes to the world around you for ideas. Search the web for more lyrics help. Write down everything you think of. you'll benefit from it.

Good Luck.

ETA: Bumping your own thread, especially after only a few minues, is truly bad form. so is double posting, use the edit button. Check out the forum rules and FAQs, they're stickied at the top of the page.

I was gonna say "" but this sums it up better.
#28
sorry for double post
Quote by slash=legend
this song reminds me of summer of 69 - bryan ad adams
ye i got some inspiration from that song
#29
There's an EDIT BUTTON!

I told you that in my first post, and someone quoted it just 3 posts ago!
#31
Yeah, what pisses people off is that you have more posts in your thread than a ton of pieces BETTER than yours (even though you do not have one full crit). Oh and there is also a delete your post option when you edit a post
#32
HOLY ****! This might be the worst song ever by written!
Quote by Yakult
Why are you talking to yourself? Stay off the drugs
#33
god damn, you **** asses are mean. i thought it was simple but it was pretty good, i could either see that song as kind of a slow acoustic melody. maybe just a 3 or 4 chord progression and switch it up for the chorus, and verse 2 and maybe throw in a bridge. also i could totally see it like blink 182 style but with more creative rymes. for example in the first verse the first 2 chunks of the poem end with he could never really put down that thing, and start with practice practice was all he did on the next line. those chunks should carry seperate ideas. like writing an essay each paragraph should hold new ideas. and to be honest the chorus is a little corny. but other than that you have built a full song. and if this is one of your first songs then it's exellent.


oh and buck fag up there dude you like blink 182. remember the time i spilled the cup of apple juice in the hall... remember that line?? fukin gayness but he made it sound good and sad. you can take any lyrics and make it sound however you want.
Last edited by illuvitar at Jul 9, 2006,