#1
There's a place between the hostess stand
And table three
Where I used to hold Annette's hand
The consequences be damned
And it is true
That I was bold, once
When she was cold I would hand her my coat
And suffer in the winter air
And if I ever shivered it was because of her
Well, I saw Annette yesterday
She came into work to talk to a friend of hers
But I am not a friend
I am a mural of a memory of what it was like to be cold
And have someone care enough
To shiver for you
#2
beautiful, completely, and utterly beautiful my friend.


best thing I've read on here, since I got back.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#3
"And if I ever shivered it was because of her"

that was a brilliant, not to mention relatable line and you kept the theme up magically even going as far as to mirror the emotion with the choppy line length. That being said, I dont know if that is enough to justify a serious lack of flow. As Matt said though, its beautiful, and the only thing I would tweek at all is maybe add one or two alternate rhyming lines or some internal rhyme? i dunno if that would cause you to sacrifice the voice though... anyway, very excellent, and if I remember correctly I like this much more than the last one I read from you, so take that as you will. keep up the good work.
#4
The one thing I'd do is change the word "cold" in this like, becuase it came up before:

I am a mural of a memory of what it was like to be cold


But this is honestly the best piece I've ever read from you.

Probably the best song I've ever read on UG.

If you have it as a song, that is.
#6
I don't think I'm quite as keen on this one as the other guys, but it is very nice indeed. The way you've written a piece on a thoughful theme is most original, I believe.

Overall, if you pardon the pun, a heart-warming piece, with a very complete finale. Nice one.
#7
This piece is cute.

The perspective you write the piece from is neat. Your phrasing and word choice is excellent!

I like it a lot.
#9
Excellent piece.

Agree with the song of the week, it has to be done.

There wasn't really a great flow to it.. but I think I can excuse that, I'm sure your talented enough to know what your doing when it comes down to flow etc. so I won't start about that.

Top stuff. I don't really have a top piece off of UG, but this goes up there with some of my favourites

Keep it up, is all I can say.
#10
fo real sotw

love. it.
Quote by Kensai
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#12
damn that was simple and amazing

when did we start doing sotw
Last edited by frd_marshll at Jun 26, 2006,
#15
Apparently.

Anyways, it was so simple that it was great. Like what Mike does.

I agree with everyone here.
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#17
Quote by Something_Vague
Wtf? SOTW?

oh sorry, i forgot to send round the forms to fill in with your votes
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#18
you need to unsticky some **** Alice, this forum is getting cluttered at the top.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#19
congrats dude
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#21
Quote by thepickups
Hasn't there only been two?


Yes, yes there has, thats why I can say it with complete conviction

And I would unsticky the rules, they dont seem to be helping
#23
Nah rules need to stay.

As for the piece, it was simple but had such a nice meaning. I related like perfectly with it, so it holds a special place .

Congrats I suppose, if this is the new thing Im happy. Because I wanted something like this for a long time. Introduce writers to other writers and anyone can grab this "title."
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#24
I dunno, the rules have gotten 388 views and have been here a month whereas the June WOTM nominations have gotten something like 360 views and have been here for a day or two... they just really dont seem to be helping, I think it would much better of an idea to free up one sticky slot and maybe add a mod or something to keep people in check... but thats just my humble opinion
#26
well played. the mood to it is really intimate. i rike it.
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#27
I really enjoy this a lot, it's beautiful.

But...

I agree with Pickups in that changing of "cold" and I also feel with another few lines in the middle you can transitition it a little better, because you really jump right now.

Edit: With your permission, could I put music to this and record it if I get time?
#29
ScarredFaith this is really, really good. It's just so...nice sounding, the way it works and the way it flows and the diction.

Awesome work!