#1
Another lengthy song. Hopefully this'll strike a nerve or two with other people.

I?ve learned from the best
I?ve passed countless tests
So why am I still kneeling at the feet of the king?
I?ve tried different styles
I?ve faced some tough trials
So why do I have an angels voice yet refuse to sing?

The sun?s behind the clouds
And the wolves begin to howl
There?s so much more over the eternal horizon
Wishing only works in fairytales
In the Grimm stories and Aesop?s fables
What do you call a life wasted of love and fun?

But there?s always that small chance
That you?ll be found by the Samaritan
Instead of being a jester in an historical farce
Say farewell and go off on the run

The rain always falls harder
The farther you are
Holding onto dreams you have yet to dream
I?ve seen the sun shine
At the end of the line
I stood and stared as the devil?s eyes gleamed

And through it all
I refused to fall
I?m not as weak as I?ve perceived to be

Wishing only works in fairytales
In the Grimm stories and Aesop?s fables
But I?ve cast the shadow of doubt upon this whole charade
I see that look upon your face
Full of hatred and disgrace
You?ve got to learn that it?s not that hard to understand

I was flying too high
I was touching the sky
Until I burned my fingers on the sun
I?ve tried to learn
But I?m unable to yearn
One too many forays into the language known as fun

Travelling along this road
With my weighty load
Stifling a cry from the darkness
I?ve tried my hand at meaning
I?ve tried to live with feeling
But everywhere I go I make a mess

I?ve tried so hard
Played the devil?s card
And travelled so far
Just to follow a shooting star
Wishing only works in fairytales
#2
I think maybe...maybe you've got away with the rhyming there, I don't think any are really forced..but it's a tough call on a couple.

However, I liked the ideas behind this, they were intriguing and interesting to read, and all in all I think you pulled this off well. It flowed well at a nice pace, and if I thought a couple of rhymes were forced, a couple were also great.

So, an interesting mix of ideas, which I think has produced a good piece of writing from you
#3
Nice idea and subject of the whole thing...but like Jammy, I can kinda see that some of the rhymes are a little forced, or just unnatural. Even then, it flowed nicely and had a good kinda upbeat but also solemn rhythm to it.
Nice job.


If you have time could you check mine? its the only one in my sig with a link if you can

thx
#4
Mate that first verse is some of the best I have seen from you, it sets the scene for the whole piece. As someone struggles at trying to get somewhere after working hard to better themselves and never gets the breaks. And never quite uses their abilities to do so.
This line summimg it all up. nice work

So why do I have an angels voice yet refuse to sing?

Overall it keeps the meaning going and like said some of the rhymes seem a tad forced, but it is a good tale and only lets the reader read and enjoy someone elses struggle, which is nicer than going through it your self. Well that is what I got from it, hope I'm not too far off the mark.

Good work mate
Cheers Daemonika