#1
When the aeroplane will crash into my frown

In one week I will drown.

I look forward to it so much.
I look forward to it so much that I look backwards.
And looking back, looking back I see what I?ve always seen;
All fibre-glass and lean, lacking weight or structure;
My body but a beam in a wicked child?s house.
No home for him, the windows being pummelled in rain?s lash,
And the brick-work is stained in routine?s rash,
With all the ash of his siblings caved in a vase.
And he prays, he prays to have something else to pray for,
And for the chance that the outside world will burst into his.

Into his is a joke.
Into his is nowhere.

The exit looks great, the entrance looks grave.

In seven days I will drown.
In seven days I will drown.
In seven days I will drown.
In seven days I will drown.
In seven days I will drown.
In seven days I will drown.
In seven days I will drown.

And I try and look forward just enough
But the weather is rough, is rough, is rough.
Last edited by thepickups at Jun 26, 2006,
#2
I look forward to it so much.
I look forward to it so much that I look backwards.
And looking back, looking back I see what I?ve always seen;
All fibre-glass and lean, lacking weight or structure;
My body but a beam in a wicked child?s house.
No home for him, the windows being pummelled in rain?s lash,
And the brick-work is stained in routine?s rash,
With all the ash of his siblings caved in a vase.
And he prays, he prays to have something else to pray for,
And for the chance that the outside world will burst into his.
well this is well constructed but doesnt make as much sense as i think it could. the first two lines are kind of awkward in that they dont seem to bring in the feeling of the song, i would add some kind of introduction to that part.


Into his is a joke.
Into his is nowhere.
i dont quite understand this.. try expanding

The exit looks great, the entrance looks grave.
i love this line, i dont know why but its very good, keep it up.

In seven days I will drown.
In seven days I will drown.
In seven days I will drown.
In seven days I will drown.
In seven days I will drown.
In seven days I will drown.
In seven days I will drown.
i like the repetition. and the line itself is pretty good.

And I try and look forward just enough
But the weather is rough, is rough, is rough.
ok this sort of brings it into perspective,

well, when i first started reading this i thought that it was gonna suck, but it turned out to be pretty decent, i would change the the beggining a bit, but other than that its decent. 7/10 keep it up
can you crit mine? song thanks
#3
It's evident when a writer thinks a piece through well, even if he did think it through quickly. I'm not suggesting you thought this through quickly but you certainly thought it through well.
I especially the "In seven days i will drown" lines; they were very deeply (no pun intended :p connected with the rest of the piece.

However i hated the line "No home for him, the windows being pummelled in rain?s lash" purely because of your use of pummelled; i just thought that was out of place. But i loved the rest of that wonderful line, i just suggest you chage that single word.

You know i have sussed it out from msn so i won't spoil it for the others and tell.
#5
Not as much of a fan of this as your last few, but I guess it's a different style to them.

I like the change in the piece from One week- I look forward to it, and Seven days- the weather is rough. It's a nice, subtle way to show the change in attitude.

The exit looks great, the entrance looks grave.

That just reads brilliantly.

Overall, 8/10 from me, very solid writing, although from me I know it means little, as I still can never truly appreciate your greatness
#6
as I still can never truly appreciate your greatness


It's becuase I'm hollow.

I try to change my style every time. I hate having "a style". Others say they need to find theirs, but I try to hide from mine.

Cheers
#7
Hello Glen+n
I always like reading your pieces, and am glad that you haven't felt the need to explain the meaning, like pooch( i think it was him) said you should hold back. I like lyrics like that, so I can just let the meaning meander around my mind and let me make up my own tale.
I really like the overall feel here, makes feel like something unavoidable is on the way, what it is I don't quite know, but like I said I don't really care if I do know I will just let myself create my own interpretation. Your imagination is fantastic and lines like these float my boat all the way to the end of Southend pier.

My body but a beam in a wicked child?s house

And the brick-work is stained in routine?s rash

The exit looks great, the entrance looks grave.

And I try and look forward just enough
But the weather is rough, is rough, is rough


Lovely stuff mate.
Oh and listened and watched your Bright Eyes cover and thought it was a real gem, never heard the song b4 and loved it.
F**king lucky Italians, BullS**t was that a penalty, M A F I A referees(sorry but it happened while I was writing this)
#8
I felt exactly the same, robbed!

I hate the divers, ruining footy.

Thanks for the great comment by the way, I think the jist caught you, instead of you catching the jist, but it works either way right?

I'll explain this for all when the crits fry up.
#9
I have to ask if you all are really experiencing deep pain or if you just enjoy crying yourselves to sleep at night. I want to see more jammin songs. Stuff that isnt whiny. If you really have sorrow play the blues like lightnin hopkins or bb king.
#10
I have to ask if you all are really experiencing deep pain


Course.

if you just enjoy crying yourselves to sleep at night.


Every single night.

I want to see more jammin songs


Who doesn't?

Stuff that isnt whiny


I hate whiners.

If you really have sorrow...


...Yes...

play the blues like lightnin hopkins or bb king


Ah! Shit! That's where I was going wrong!

Anyone got any black skin to lend me and 400 years of slavery backed into my peoples history?