#1
Yes, most pretentious title ever. (Well, minus Matt's. ) Thank you for asking. It's tentative, I might change it. I'm fooling around with bridges and other endings seeing what I like best, so I haven't included one yet. I'll edit one in soon.

When Ransom Notes Descend Gracefully Down Subway Stations' Stairs, Are They Really That Bad A Thing? (Manufactured Beauty)

I?m counting shadows on the wall
Of trees, and leaves, and me?
And every girl I?ve loved but never known.
As they danced around I thought I?d heard
A song, belonged. I?m wrong?
They?re in my mind despite how I have grown.

Stop writing love letters
If they read like ransom notes
And stop saving postcards
If they didn't mean a word they wrote.

Forget your friends they left you?

I?m counting lipstick marks on necks
A touch. Too much? Hey, lush.
This is love if we?re in the dark.
As the songs changed I thought I?d heard
A whisper; I miss her.
But at least she still left her mark?

Stop burning those bridges,
If it?s not for a just cause
Stop hoping for a savior,
Because everything is lost

Forget your friends they left you?
Last edited by Retribution at Jun 26, 2006,
#4
I?m counting shadows on the wall
Of trees, and leaves, and me?
And every girl I?ve loved but never known.
As they danced around I thought I?d heard
A song, belonged. I?m wrong?
They?re in my mind despite how I have grown.
I like this beginning. Loved and known sound good together to me for some reason. 'm assuming this is about echoes of past lovers from an older person?

Stop writing love letters
If they read like ransom notes
And stop saving postcards
If they didn't mean a word they wrote.
Ransom of a heart, and postcards of a collection of lovers? I like the final sentence. It's like a comedown almost.

Stop burning those bridges,
If it?s not for a just cause
Stop hoping for a savior,
Because everything is lost
Quite detached from everything else I guess. Doesn't seem to fit in my opinion.

Forget your friends they left you?

Overall: An intresting song and some original lines. Despite this I think you should work on the last verse. Good. 8/10

Forget your friends they left you?
Harsh

I?m counting lipstick marks on necks
A touch. Too much? Hey, lush.
I like the first line, but i don't quite get the "Hey, lush" part of the next line.
This is love if we?re in the dark.
*remebers to say to girlfriend
As the songs changed I thought I?d heard
A whisper; I miss her.
But at least she still left her mark?
Her mark being? Taking your virginity? lol

Overall: 8/10 Good, intresting lines and images. But last verse needs work.
#5
Quote by FreedomFighter
I?m counting shadows on the wall
Of trees, and leaves, and me?
And every girl I?ve loved but never known.
As they danced around I thought I?d heard
A song, belonged. I?m wrong?
They?re in my mind despite how I have grown.
I like this beginning. Loved and known sound good together to me for some reason. 'm assuming this is about echoes of past lovers from an older person?

Stop writing love letters
If they read like ransom notes
And stop saving postcards
If they didn't mean a word they wrote.
Ransom of a heart, and postcards of a collection of lovers? I like the final sentence. It's like a comedown almost.

Stop burning those bridges,
If it?s not for a just cause
Stop hoping for a savior,
Because everything is lost
Quite detached from everything else I guess. Doesn't seem to fit in my opinion.

Forget your friends they left you?

Overall: An intresting song and some original lines. Despite this I think you should work on the last verse. Good. 8/10

Forget your friends they left you?
Harsh

I?m counting lipstick marks on necks
A touch. Too much? Hey, lush.
I like the first line, but i don't quite get the "Hey, lush" part of the next line.
This is love if we?re in the dark.
*remebers to say to girlfriend
As the songs changed I thought I?d heard
A whisper; I miss her.
But at least she still left her mark?
Her mark being? Taking your virginity? lol

Overall: 8/10 Good, intresting lines and images. But last verse needs work.


Ah, you pointed something out to me unintentionally. I used the word "mark" in that stanza twice... I can't do that.
#7
I really liked it. The rhythm was almost childish, at least it seemed that way to me (but all set rhythms do, so maybe I'm talking out of my @$$). It still worked though. I don't have much to say other than that I really liked it. Solid piece.

Still waiting on a full crit of Scene and Unscene.

Rock On
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#8


I?m counting shadows on the wall
Of trees, and leaves, and me?
And every girl I?ve loved but never known.
As they danced around I thought I?d heard
A song, belonged. I?m wrong?
They?re in my mind despite how I have grown.

i really liked this opening, very direct and perfectly communicative with the reader.

Stop writing love letters
If they read like ransom notes
And stop saving postcards
If they didn't mean a word they wrote.

Forget your friends they left you?

this was really good too, except the very last line, i really didn't feelt hat at all. sounds kinda cliched whiny like "omg my life is 0v3r". i dunno, seems a bit of a change in mood.

I?m counting lipstick marks on necks
A touch. Too much? Hey, lush.
This is love if we?re in the dark.
As the songs changed I thought I?d heard
A whisper; I miss her.
But at least she still left her mark?

"hey lush" sounds awful IMO- very cheesy. yeah i agree that you should change one of the "marks"
very very nice assonance though. extremellllly lovely lyircs.

Stop burning those bridges,
If it?s not for a just cause
Stop hoping for a savior,
Because everything is lost

Forget your friends they left you?

again, the only thing i don't like ehre is the last line about the friends.
nice ending though. sorry for the kidna lame crit on this, i dunno what else to say, this s a very strong piece
Quote by Kensai
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#9
I really like this. I thought all of the internal rhymes were great. It was all around really nice, but to be honest, I'm not such a fan of that repeated one-liner. Being so emphasized and central, I think it really contrasts and takes away from the piece as a whole. But otherwise good job.

If you wouldn't mind checking mine out, it's here: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=383204
#10
Hmmm...not much else to say here...
Good job, the vocabulary is great, and so is the rhythm, except in the 3rd line, it seems to detach itself from the flow. And like princess here, I dont really like the repition of the one-liner, but hey, your piece, if you like in particular, I can't complain.


I've got another piece if you can crit it, As Pictures Fade Away.

Thx, and Thx for your views on my other piece too
#11
I loved this and also you arent the only one with the titles lol. mine usually have f all to do with the song. people complain about it sometimes...
Songs working on :

Nitelife
#12
Love the internal rhyming, it just adds so much to it. The 'friends' line shouldn't have been used twice, it's that sort of one-liner that doesn't go with repetition IMO.

But yeah, I liked this.
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#13
hey man i'm tired but i gave this a brief reading and i must say I liked it. it was quite nice. I woudl love to hear it with music. I can't realyl say everything i liked about it but i liked a lot of it so keep it up. haven't read anything of yours in awhile
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#14
Meh, Ill do this for you.


Well, I liked this piece because in some ways it mimicked my own style of writing. Some things to nitpick at though:

-First Stanza-I just really was not feeling the end of the 5th line, as I felt that the 'I'm Wrong?" part was put in just to be put in. It just seemed as if there was too much rhyme.

-Second Stanza-Its fine the way it is. A suggestion I offer is this, because you have love letters and postcards, you should work with both. I like the love letter part, but for the postcard, instead of repeating the concept of writing...perhaps you could go with a picture of some sort...as that is what postcards are mostly known for. But thats just my suggestion.

-Third Stanza-Again, in the second line, I just think there is too much rhyme. But thats just a personal nitpick lazyness to just accept it .

The rest to me is fine. It is different from you, but its not bad. Its simple, and easy to follow.
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#15
Ok, I know I owe like, all of you. I'll get to some this morning, the rest tonight. (Work sucks)

Looking back, I realize that I need to fix one of the "marks" possibly some of the rhymes in the lines that have 3 of them, and possibly work on that one friends line. Thank you to everyone who commented though, and if those who didn't leave a link want to edit it in, that'd be great.

And J.J. Cool: I said it was pretentious, not that it didn't have anything to do with the song. You see: I disapprove of titles that make no sense, and as clever as FOB and Panic at the Disco's titles are, I hate them for creating a bunch of rip offs, like so. It's not just you but other signed bands too. It's annoying. It has a lot to do with this, but I don't ever explain anything, sorry.

P.S. I really wanted to experiment with rhyming some more, mostly due to my love of Death Cab.

Edit: And I think I'm going to write up a different chorus, keep that other thing as pre-choruses and then use that one-liner to end my bridge.
Last edited by Retribution at Jun 27, 2006,