#1
i seriously just wrote this, i haven't read over it so there are probably tonnes of mistakes but to hell with it!

walk and talk, the key to conversation.
watch the streetlights flicker as
the madness unfolds. bar tenders pack
up their cloths, chairs stacked upon gin
stained tables. the cold air whisps around
the doors as the scent of cheap perfume
floats along the street. teary eyes flood
the pavement, the evening lake of labour
and love. casting the first stone as masked
gents stalk the side steets starving through
lust and vanity. the influence has been
stolen, skinned to its bare bones as the
cash swaps palms. into her eyes you gaze,
not a care in the world.

"i fucking love you" has never been so easily said.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#2
I like it. I'm not sure how easily it could be sung. It struck me as a poem more than lyrics, but hey, that's just me. I don't really see the point of "F*cking" in last line. I think it would have a more emotional impact if it was just "I love you" Putting the word "f*ucking" in there just kind of kills it for me.
#3
i disagree, the use of swearing to me symbolises a sense of recklessness which i feel builds throughout.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#4
Yeah I enjoy the swearing at the end, though, if it were me, I'd probably put "has never been said so easily " instead of "has never been so easily said." But as I said, thats only me.

But yeah, good stuff BTW.
#5
thanks for the suggestions.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#7
god grow up it was a good song especially if the dude just wrote it down. christ, emo crap get over yourself, imo
Songs working on :

Nitelife
#8
Works, fantastically well, due to some cracking imagery. The great thing about spontaneous writing is the raw emotion that comes at the spur of the moment. In terms of what you've got here, it's just that - raw emotion - so in terms of that I wouldn't change a thing.

Mine are knocking about. You know what to do.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#9
Quote by angusfenderbend
it sucks.

Same as everyone elses emo crap.
Just my opinion yo.

Dont slay me for it.



i think you're a prick.

"just my opinion yo."
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#10
angusfenderbend- a BIIIIIIIIG myth about emo is that it's all about losing girlfriends and ****... how many other genres of songs have dealt with it? Plus the emo we have now isn't true emo. Emo's been around since the 1970s... some would even call The Smiths and Morrissey emo... or depressymo But the emo we have today is post-hardcore screamo. Which is different. VERY different. So educate yourself.

Good song, by the way, I like it.
#11
This doesnt even really state emo for me. I mean read it... . I think people just think if its written really well and its got anything to do with emotion that its some little emo guy writing.... but i think it was VERY well written. good job

p.s.
For some reason i imagine 1800 british prostitutes like on cobbled city streets, the imagry is amazing... you made it sound sophisticated! good job
#12
I get a feeling of old-school, big city livin in this one... I love it, straight up love it.

PS: perhaps a crit on mine? In the sig...
Quote by flame843
My original intent was to put "...but never trust the French," but I didn't for fear of starting a flame war with some French UGER.


Quote by Funkbass796
why worry about that? They'd surrender immediatly.
#13
thanks a lot.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#14
this will be a very very short comment/crit Dominic.

here goes nothing:

i liked it and have nothing to suggest to change about it.

[/end]

Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#15
what's with the sad face alice?
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(