#1
Hey Everyone, this is my last work for the month of June, so it's C4C like all my other pieces. This is about a certain thing, but I'll only explain it if you guys don't get it. I'd like your suggestions about the chorus, when I read it, I felt it was kinda weak, but I would like your opinions.thx

Verse1
Pictures fade away
Ending life's charade
I'm your only sense of comfort
Never can you hear
The words of all your fear
As I fill your sight with wonders

Prechorus
Try me once my friend
Soon you'll crave again
I'm committed to
Finally killing you

Chorus
You are burning slowly
From the inside heading out
I blind you with a feeling
As inner pressure begins to mount

Verse2
Life pumps in your veins
The moon it slowly wanes
You will think I want help you
Twisting fragile minds
Leaving them behind
Scattered pieces of a puzzle

(Prechorus)

(Chorus)

Verse3
Crying out to me
Your source of misery
As I leave the broken body
Never will you taste
The height of feelings raised
When I take you into your death

(Prechorus)

(Chorus)
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Jun 26, 2006,
#3
the first verse and the prechorus are great in my opinion

the chorus is pretty weak, like it didn't get the idea of the song so you should change it a bit

"Life pumps in your veins
The moon it slowly wanes" I like that line!
the rest of the second verse is again a bit weak

and the third is good

overall you need to work a bit on the song though it's a bit twirly and it's hard to see the idea of it but with some work it can be a great song
#4
I liked this a lot. The only thing I can "feel" wrong with it is, as you said the chorus, I mean I can't tell whast up with it but it doesn't sound right. 9/10 though. Really good.

I have one more cliche song that you could look at if you have the time, in the sig.
Songs working on :

Nitelife
Last edited by J_J_Kool at Jun 26, 2006,
#5
yeah...I can see what you're saying, I guess I was right about the chorus, I'll see if I can switch it around a bit and see if it gets the idea better, but I WAS trying to give the message a little vaguely as opposed to saying it openly.
Anyone else who'd care to crit is welcome to btw lol

PS-J J i'll get to your piece in a bit, I'm kinda buy right now though okay mate?
#7
I liked it, if you wanted to you could change "As inner pressure begins to mount" to "As inner pressure starts to mount" to make it flow more. I liked the prechorus, overall its pretty good.
#8
PS-J J i'll get to your piece in a bit, I'm kinda buy right now though okay mate?


no problem at all mate, i have all the time in the world to wait for crits lol, they're so helpful.
Songs working on :

Nitelife
#11
I think it's alright... the "fear" rhyme in the first chorus sounds forced to me for some reason... maybe just the way I read it. The chorus seems anticlimactic following that good prechorus. I would abandon the chorus and try and make either a new chorus to follow the prechorus, or make your prechorus the new chorus and make a new prechorus... and now I'm confused. jk.

thanks for the crit btw.
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#12
To me it seems that the chorus doesn't really go with the song's theme. It's pretty vague onto what is happening and why.
#13
lol...do you guys think I could switch the chorus and prechorus around, so the prechorus would be the chorus? Would that be better?
#14
Here's an idea. Why not scrap a chorus altogether? I mean not every song needs a chorus and you could just use the prechorus you have as a chorus.
#15
Hmm, I gotta say, I'm not a fan of the rhyme scheme at all. It's overly forced. I feel like you could have had something here if you had just strayed away from the structured rhyme and let the actual content just flow instead of letting the rhymes decide the content, which I got the impression of here. Now that my rant about the rhyme scheme is over, I'll say that the piece as a whole was pretty good. You had some cool ideas that you could have elaborated on to make it more interesting, but instead you went with the rhyme. Nice job overall.
#16
sounds like an eventual death caused by a drug addiction fueled by the thought that it will somehow help them. right? if so what I said about your last piece applies. if you're going to write about these topics you're really going to have to work to say something new and interesting about them otherwise it'll be the same song millions have already written. some of the wording is weird too like "never can you hear" I don't see why you'd use that when you could just say "you can never hear" or "you can't ever hear" but whatever, personal preference I guess. while I agree partially with what people are saying about the rhyming I think in the right context it can work so you shouldn't give up on that all together.

keep at it man, again if you want me to check out any more of your pieces drop me a pm, I'd be more than happy to.

peace, ltt
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#17
Well, I really don't know what to say about this, but first things first is read the Lyrics Tips thread. They will help you become a better writer.

The rhyming in this is incredibly forced, which pulls it down. The things are also so cliched with no substance at all. It's just a "I hate you" type song with nothing appealing in it. No imagery really, minus the puzzle pieces bit. It just makes for a lousy song.

Read those tips and post up some new stuff. I can see you'll be good with practice.
#18
Yea sounds alot like a personal drug addiction. Its great work, and here is an idea for you that you can take if you like it.

In the Prechorus maybe change "Try me once my friend" to maybe "Try me once again my friend".
#19
Verse1
Pictures fade away
Ending life's charade
I'm your only sense of comfort
Never can you hear
The words of all your fear
As I fill your sight with wonders
this first verse is very good, the last line is the only thing i slightly disliked

Prechorus
Try me once my friend
Soon you'll crave again
I'm committed to
Finally killing you
this is all good but i feel the my friend is forced just to rhyme

Chorus
You are burning slowly
From the inside heading out
I blind you with a feeling
As inner pressure begins to mount
i dont think this is weak, i actually thought it was pretty good

Verse2
Life pumps in your veins
The moon it slowly wanes
You will think I want help you
Twisting fragile minds
Leaving them behind
Scattered pieces of a puzzle
great words, i like this verse

Verse3
Crying out to me
Your source of misery
As I leave the broken body
Never will you taste
The height of feelings raised
When I take you into your death
and this one is even better, overall this is a great song, i like the rhymes a lot, keep on rockin'

my song: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=385105
#20
i wasnt done, sorry, i see what they mean about rhymes being forced but i like some of the rhymes a lot, the nonforced ones, i agree with a lot of the comments already said but this is pretty good, but it still needs some work, dont force rhimes unless it feels right
#21
for the chorus, try "as inner pressure mounts." I don't know, it just seems more rhythmically sound, to me at least.
Originally posted by Grimster
This couple was doing like this romantic shoot like in there house, and all of a sudden a clown walked in and jizzed on the guys face. That is the true meaning of christmas.