#1

Chapter I: Aftermath

Battlefields broken,
Bodies line my view,
When did I become this?
When did I become you?
Hands raw and bloody,
The knife lies broken,
What possessed me to do this?
When had this evil awoken?

Will I see the light again?
Or will my unconscious sinner grow stronger?
Will I kill my father again?
Or will I die by their hands on this stone?

?Remember the white rabbit, Sindri,
Follow him home?

Angels speak to me,
But I can?t hear them scream.
Why did I let them do this?
Why don?t they let me dream?

?Don?t fear what you cannot understand, Sindri,
For you play a bigger part?

*Instrumental*

Rain beating down through the ceiling above,
White- clothed bodies in the corridor,
What have they done to me, Sindri my love?
Did they discard my holy gift to the floor?
Hold me close, husband, believe in my strength,
Please don?t let me die, don?t lay me to rest,
Hunt them down for me, westwards they went,
Across the Great Plains, below where the sun sets,

?Go now, for they have what you seek, Sindri,
Leave her here?

*Instrumental*

Come down, Anubis, unholy bastard,
Last chance, Last chance, Last chance?

*Instrumental*

Flashbacks,
Show me the truth,
White rabbit,
Show me the way



NB. The instrumentals are blackouts, and these blackouts are dealt with in further detail in later songs, in order to stop this first song getting even longer.. (it currently works out at 7:12)

This is the first song from my progressive album in progress charting the rise and fall of a corporation secretly owned by Anubis, one of the Gods, who genetically modified a man in his late 20's, Sindri, to become a military monster. His wife, Luthia, is known by the corporation to contain latent energies, which they utilise in order to metabolise their gene therapy on Sindri. Activists destroy the lab, mortally wounding Luthia, killing the scientists, and letting a crazed Sindri escape. He finds himself at a battlefield, and ends up massacaring both sides with a pair of knives. He passes out, and wakes up later, having lost all memory of the experiments, and the aftermath of the attack on the laboratory. He has a dream (more detailed explanation in the third song "Somewhere between dreaming and sleep") about a white rabbit, and is granted a vision by an angel, who tells him he has a bigger part in what turns out to be a massive war between the Gods.Sindri is granted a voice in his head, an angel's familiar, to help him with finding out what has happened, and what is going to happen. Sindri finds Luthia, who dies in his arms, and he sets off to the West, where Anubis resides. At the end,he goes to confront Anubis, but this is dealth with in a later song. The last stanza, however, concerns Sindri trying to recall knowledge and memory in order to steel himself for battle. Lengthy explanation, I know, but bear with me
#6
Reminds me a of the Matrix a lot. But overall I like it, I'd like it more if I understood how you sang it and stuff, but I'm still lost how you can get that kind of story in your lyrics when they aren't that much present. I only understood what was going on afterwards of course. I guess I'm saying make things a little bit more obvious, or just pulling off a Mars Volta.
Run!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
Quote by ifeastonbums
GuitarSymphony you are my hero!
#8
Quote by Deliriumbassist
well, the rest of the story unfolds in later songs. Look out for them


heh okie dokie
Run!
-----------------------------------------------------------
Simply, the world was too small for a man of his ambition.
Quote by ifeastonbums
GuitarSymphony you are my hero!
#9
well i have to say when its done its gonna be crazy.. really creative idea and u captured it really well . i dont know what else to say u did a good job with it
#11
I really liked it actually, my kind of style, somewhat abstract and I dunno, can I say spiritual to a degree of horror. I really liked the 4th stanza

Angels speak to me,
But I can?t hear them scream.
Why did I let them do this?
Why don?t they let me dream

Really cool, the over all imagery was pretty ****ing sick to man good job.
"The tragic partake of this torment, convincing myself again. This god that I worship, this demon I blame, conspire as one exactly the same it's exactly the same." Lamb of God
#13
Ahh, I checked this one out last night but never got around to critting it.

Your backstory was very informative and provided alot of information to where you are trying to lead this series of writing...which is also creative in some points. To be honest, it reminded me a bit of Unreal Tournament 2, because of the futuristic Anubis and stuff...haha.

Anyways, to the piece.

At first, I noticed your rhyme scheme and thought that you were going to have a lot of forced rhyming...but the more I read the more I noticed your flow. It is really good and just connects the piece well while feeding line after line. That's a good thing to have in a piece. Some parts reminded me of a majorly watered-down Coheed and Cambria, slightly. Some things I would offer to change though. In this stanza:

"Flashbacks,
Show me the truth,
White rabbit,
Show me the way"

You mention a white rabbit. Throughout this entire piece you never mentioned this rabbit, so maybe if you could allude to it at an earlier point in the piece, this would make a bit more sense and connect the beginning to the end. Maybe have it as a drawing, or an actual figurehead or something. Don't get me wrong, it stands fine alone though .

This piece was solid and I hope to read the rest of them soon
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#14
Quote by xArCaDiAx


You mention a white rabbit. Throughout this entire piece you never mentioned this rabbit, so maybe if you could allude to it at an earlier point in the piece, this would make a bit more sense and connect the beginning to the end. Maybe have it as a drawing, or an actual figurehead or something. Don't get me wrong, it stands fine alone though .

This piece was solid and I hope to read the rest of them soon



I did write about a white rabbit earlier:P And it's a reference to Alice in Wonderland, with the white rabbit leading Alice down the hole
#15
oooft this is cool.
I liked the whol;e thing man, my brain isnt exactly amazing so it became hard to understand at certain parts, but hey, thats just me haha.
Twas waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay cool man, i couldnt write anything like this. 10/10 =D
Could you check out mine? Its called Michael

franz xxxxxxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#16
this is sick man, one of the best i've read on here


crit mine plz? its called 'pity the ignorance'
#17
Yup, there it is.

I just overlooked it, that's all

Haha. My bad.
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#18
I really like this. I loved your use of rhyme and when the rhyme shceme is not present it still flows very well. How many songs do you think are going to be on the album?
#19
Quote by RnRGirl
I really like this. I loved your use of rhyme and when the rhyme shceme is not present it still flows very well. How many songs do you think are going to be on the album?


I've got a prospective 12 songs on this album, but I might continue it through to another album...

2 days till the next song (forum rules....)
#20
sounds cool it reminds me of frankenstein, and of a comic book epic or something like that.
#22
Chapter I: Aftermath

Battlefields broken,
Bodies line my view,
When did I become this?
When did I become you?
Hands raw and bloody,
The knife lies broken,
What possessed me to do this?
When had this evil awoken?

Will I see the light again?
Or will my unconscious sinner grow stronger?
Will I kill my father again?
Or will I die by their hands on this stone?

?Remember the white rabbit, Sindri,
Follow him home?

Angels speak to me,
But I can?t hear them scream. this is a tad confusing.. but its not really a problem
Why did I let them do this?
Why don?t they let me dream?

?Don?t fear what you cannot understand, Sindri,
For you play a bigger part?

*Instrumental*

Rain beating down through the ceiling above,
White- clothed bodies in the corridor,
What have they done to me, Sindri my love?
Did they discard my holy gift to the floor?
Hold me close, husband, believe in my strength,
Please don?t let me die, don?t lay me to rest,
Hunt them down for me, westwards they went,
Across the Great Plains, below where the sun sets,

?Go now, for they have what you seek, Sindri,
Leave her here?

*Instrumental*

Come down, Anubis, unholy bastard,
Last chance, Last chance, Last chance?

*Instrumental*

Flashbacks,
Show me the truth,
White rabbit,
Show me the way


Really that's about the only somewhat questionable line I saw in here. I love how you're using the songs to tell an actual story. This is great stuff.. keep it up! and thanks for the crit on Empty Circle, much appreciated!
#23
lol, this is OLD school Anubis Complex, lol.... I really appreciate the crit on this, rockerdude, hopefully it'll bring the story to the attention of more people, and get around more. Check out my other songs in this series of writings, in my sig, if you like the story. Thanks again bud.