#1
Small Talk Goes Short Distance


The mill of your sense
Doesn?t hold much water
How it turns is a mystery
But it casts me up the river
And your loose lips will sink me
Your loose lips will sink me


Small talk could be shrunk
To the point of nothing
We?d both be happy
The sounds of nothing are your most beautiful
You can go back to sitting on your high horse
Shielding the eyes of the world with wool


All your points are moot
And you?d be better off a mute
Your subtlety rivals a hand grenade
And I won?t stay for the finale
I won?t stay for the finale
I?ll make sure to duck your words.


This puzzle isn?t quite finished
Your gold bears a tarnish
You can?t get by on those eyes forever
Your teeth will dim from the sludge
Every day leads to your exposure
You can?t handle that day


I still need a chorus, I know. Also, if someone has any thoughts on what type of progression I should use for this I'm open to suggestions.
#2
i like it, you really dont like small talk eh? me neither

I dont know about progressions for that, it should be something minor, what style of music are you goin for with this (if any)?
Tool kicks ass
#3
Just an acoustic kind of thing. Kind of in the vain of Kind of Like Spitting/ Elliott Smith. Thanks for the input though. It's a little rough around the edges.

It's not really just small talk, it's the general decline in how intelligent people sound when they speak these days.
#5
Thanks. That's about the strongest reaction I've gotten for any of my writing yet. Don't worry about the progression, I've got one now.
#6
Great job, I read it twice and I can't say much about it to improve, great job.

Do you have an idea for a progession on my blues feel?
I Dig Music.


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#7
Yeah, it's kind of hard to say. A lot blues kind of sticks to the I-IV-V7 progression, so I'd say something like that. Em, A5, B7 is a good progression for blues. Just use a few chords and do little fills in between lines or something. Thanks for the input on my song.
#8
Nice piece.

That's it, I think. Just, a nice read, and you've thought of the music, so I can see no real trouble with this.

Solid Stuff
#9
"Your subtlety rivals a hand grenade"
prolly the best line I've read in a looooong time..
really made me laugh

Nice to see that you've put a lot of thought to the lyrics rather than spewing out sum lines at random.
the show must go on.
#10
The grenade line was probably the best part of a consistantly spiteful and well-executed piece. You kept to the tone clearly throughout.
#11
Thanks for the input everyone. I'm glad you like that line.
#12
very very good
it reads so well..its full of short, sweet lines. and i like the metphors and general mysterious dark undertones in the words, which by themselves arent very sinister at all

i love the line 'and i wont stay for the finale' its got perfect rhythmn and rhyme

www.freewebs.com/silentproject
#13
hey hey, sorry for this delay on returning the crit. here you go


The mill of your sense
Doesn?t hold much water
How it turns is a mystery
But it casts me up the river
And your loose lips will sink me
Your loose lips will sink me

the last 2 lines here are great, but they remind me a lot of "loose lips sink ships"... the music magaizne. so um, i dunno, might wanna edit it slightly?
relaly cool ongoing theme of the water though. i relaly like that. overall it's a great opening, nice and direct and to the point


Small talk could be shrunk
To the point of nothing
We?d both be happy
The sounds of nothing are your most beautiful
You can go back to sitting on your high horse
Shielding the eyes of the world with wool

the 4th line sounds a little odd to me: "your most beautiful what?" it woul work if it was "your sounds of nothing are your most beautiful" or similarly: "the sounds of nothing are the most beautiful"... but the way it is just doenst fit to me :/
but, this is a really good stanza. lovely work.


All your points are moot
And you?d be better off a mute
Your subtlety rivals a hand grenade
And I won?t stay for the finale
I won?t stay for the finale
I?ll make sure to duck your words.

i really dont like that first line. i cant say why, but there something about it which is just like... i dont like it. "moot" just seems kind of redundant.
i really really like "duck your words" very impressive theme of battle/warfare here, and strong imagery in the poetic sense too. excellent.


This puzzle isn?t quite finished
Your gold bears a tarnish
You can?t get by on those eyes forever
Your teeth will dim from the sludge
Every day leads to your exposure
You can?t handle that day

this again is really good, but tbh, i don't really see how it ties in to the previous stanza. i think better linking is needed. also it doesnt really feel very "finished". i mean, this ending stanza doesn't have a very big "finishing" feel to it, so you may want to consider adding something extra as well?

good work man, i like it.
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