#1
ok so i wrote this song kinda as a joke and i picture it being classic punk like ramones or **** metal.

but any ways crit for crit just give me a link


verse 1
sperm in my shoe
dont know what to do
call a doctor peteatrition what should i do
sperm in my shoe why in this place
some one spread the seed
why this place
am i gonnna freak out
take it all in
oh no oh no where should i begin

chorus
i have sperm in my shoe
o gravey baby tell me who are you
i go no where to go
theres no reason to let it be
come baby please please me

verse 2
now its time to run to the store
slip on my shoes
theres no use for running
give me a truce this is stunnin
theres juice in my shoe who are you
how about you put your pudding over there
enjoy yourself in the corner
please listen dont stare

chorus
i have sperm in my shoe
o gravey baby tell me who are you
i go no where to go
theres no reason to let it be
come baby please please me
#2
lol erm this is wierd lol but it works! lol i love things like this that make me laugh...a bit sucky otherwise lol srry its bad but awsome lol
Songs working on :

Nitelife
#5
Downright bizzare, but God it made me laugh, probably because there is no point in life where any person would ever say "I have sperm in my shoe
o gravey baby tell me who are you". Bloody hilarious.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#7
I agree with the other comments, it is really strange. It works, though. I could definitely see this played with a Ramones/Buzzcocks-like style.
#8
I just read this again and it's still hilarious. Please, if there is any good in the world, make this guy famous so he can make this song a reality! I want this on mtv!

(I doubt anybody else finds it quite as funny as I do).
"You can never quarantine the past."
#9
haha strange piece, i can tell you put alot of thought into it.. sweet chorus hahaha
#12
More people should write songs like this. You should write more songs like this. It's different in a good way. I get sick of the overly psuedo-emotional phoney ass lyrics i always hear today. Finally; something relavent to my life...
#14
It was a little funny, stupid...and kind of weird...but funny at some points.
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#17
I'm only leaving a post here as I'm returning the favour.

I think this shows poor humour and immature writing. I know it's a joke but... It wasn't great, witty, biting humour. Just cheap laughs.

I hope you don't go on posting pieces like this, because you can write fine without making poor jokes, and this forum doesn't need clogging up with threads like these.

Good Luck.
#18
There ain't nowt wrong with cheap laughs. It's not immature, it's great. I could never write a piece like that, it's good to see someone who isn't afraid to be random and spontaneous. This is somehow how the greatest pieces are written.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#19
well you know you gotta remeber im only 13 jammydude44 its only normal and a joke with some of my friends i just turned it into a song
#20
I'm only 15

So ignore what I said about the humour, and read the crit I gave you for the writing, which I am the only one to do so instead of comment on the subject of the song.

Immature writing, showed a lack of skills, and not your best, cos I know you can do better. forced rhyming, stuttering flow, unpowerful imagery and metaphor. I know you can do better than this, hence why I said don't let this joke song thing become a habit.

Then thank me for bothering to crit this at all
#21
^ I'm 14, but mate, it's only a joke. You're 15 and you're saying that you never have a joke? There's one thing being mature and a good writer but there's another thing not having a sense of humour at all. I hope for your sake taht you do but judging on the comments you have made about this bloke i would suggest otherwise. I mean no offence by this my friend but seriously, we all need a good joke (it doesn't have to be ridiculously witty all the time) once in a while, perhaps often.

Edit: To your first post.
#22
jammydude i know i can do better and most likely im not gonna do alot of these its justa once in a while thing an il work on it to make it better but thanks for criting it i guess
#24
hahahahaha. Is it okay to agree with jammydude and manthtscrazy ???
Its funny
But crap.
=P

franz xcx
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I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#25
It's not supposed to be an intelligent, 'good' piece...it's just funny. Give him that.
"You can never quarantine the past."