#1
This is not my first song but, it is the first song i've submitted here.

Paranoid, so devoid
Of doing anything but for themselves
Self conscious, egotistic
A beaten path of dehumanization

Why can?t we not look the other way?
Have we lost that much touch with love?

Relax
Let me place my hand on yours
Upon the wheel
It?s so much easier if you do this with me
What?s become of love and compassion?
Why must we be bound to this?

There must me a higher state
Not constrained to this
There has to be........
Otherwise I?m at the borderline
And it will all be over soon
#3
Well Ill say that I liked the first two lines alot you did very well, but after that it just became way to cliche man. If you would have kept along the path you were going with it would have been awesome. It started complex and intersting and then ended up being something or a regular everyday thing. Try to go back through and analyze everything you said and make it more complex use metaphors and everything be abstract.
"The tragic partake of this torment, convincing myself again. This god that I worship, this demon I blame, conspire as one exactly the same it's exactly the same." Lamb of God
#4
Quote by lambofgod4750
Well Ill say that I liked the first two lines alot you did very well, but after that it just became way to cliche man. If you would have kept along the path you were going with it would have been awesome. It started complex and intersting and then ended up being something or a regular everyday thing. Try to go back through and analyze everything you said and make it more complex use metaphors and everything be abstract.


thanks i though so too, but these were the thoughts that came to my mind
#5
And thats perfectly fine man thats cool. Also kinda a typo on my part, I meant the first four lines. lol later man. Im posting one of mine now so crit for crit
"The tragic partake of this torment, convincing myself again. This god that I worship, this demon I blame, conspire as one exactly the same it's exactly the same." Lamb of God
#6
I thought it was real cool, gave a system vibe cuz of the words...

It was put plainly and simply, but the words still struck me in extreme relation... I think you'll find a lot of people who would get into the big picture(but do complicate it!).

Oh yeah, and crit for crit maybe? Links in the siggy.
Quote by flame843
My original intent was to put "...but never trust the French," but I didn't for fear of starting a flame war with some French UGER.


Quote by Funkbass796
why worry about that? They'd surrender immediatly.
#7
Meh, I liked what you did in the beginning but after that it got kinda boring. It could be better. Just go back and re-read it and make some changes to it.

I have a link in my sig, crit for crit?
Quote by MoogleRancha
It's like Fenriz and J. Read

"I'm so happy to love metal and stuff"

"I AM metal"