#1
I still owe Synth and I believe 1 other person crits. Got a bunch done tonight though

Anyways, its 3:45am. This is what I was thinking.

Crits and comments welcome and will be returned

Art-Galleries And The Lonely Guy

I always figured you were one of those typical "dumb blonde's"
But oh, how smart you were for leading me on all those months
It seems I was the one who was baffled by your antics
Always showing me your coy smile, batted eyelashes and pouted lips

How I was the jester amongst the king's court, where the king was my mind
And how the practice self-sacrifice was the joke of the times

And I wish I was better at the art of communication
But I was never good at drawing, taking pictures or ceramics
Nor was I any good at story-telling or the ability to teach
So I guess you'll just have to settle for this Picasso-esque style of speech
Isn't abstraction the essence of true love and affection anyway?

Apparently not for I am still standing in front of the frame
Trying to decipher the hidden meaning on the canvas
While holding your ticket in my empty, out-stretched arm
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
Last edited by xArCaDiAx at Jun 27, 2006,
#2
Your rhyming has improved loads.

I really can't crit this yet becuase I'm so busy at the moment.

I really owe you one, so I'll do it when I get time today hopefully.
#4


I always figured you were one of those typical "dumb blonde's"
But oh, how smart you were for leading me on all those months
It seems I was the one who was baffled by your antics
Always showing me your coy smile, batted eyelashes and pouted lips

first line: *blondes plurals don't take an apostrophe
okay this is a great opening stanza Nelson. the only bit i don't relaly like is "baffle dby your antics" - doesn't sound very... i dunno... poetic? to me.

How I was the jester amongst the king's court, where the king was my mind
And how the practice self-sacrifice was the joke of the times

personally there in the 2nd line i would put "the practiced self-sacrifice" because to me it doesn't sound quite right as it stands. i mean, it would be okay with "THE practice", but that would upset the syllable balance, so i would def change it to "practiced".
excellent little intersection though, nice rhyming skillzz.

And I wish I was better at the art of communication
But I was never good at drawing, taking pictures or ceramics
Nor was I any good at story-telling or the ability to teach
So I guess you'll just have to settle for this Picasso-esque style of speech
Isn't abstraction the essence of true love and affection anyway?

hmm, personally i don't think the "nor was i..." sounds quite right, sounds too narrative and kinda bland IMO. I would simply repeat the structure as before and say:
But I was never good at drawing, taking pictures or ceramics
And I was never any good at story-telling or the ability to teach

or something

but man, oh man, i freaking LOVE the "Picasso-esque style of speech". that is amazing.


Apparently not for I am still standing in front of the frame
Trying to decipher the hidden meaning on the canvas
While holding your ticket in my empty, out-stretched arm

in the first line, i would put a comma after "apparantly not" to ease the flow and make it sound more natural.
this is a great ending though. ahs a great touch to it, and wow. no i take that back. it is not a great ending. it's a freaking fantastic not to mention utterly beautiful ending.

great piece man, good to see you around
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#5
<3 Alice.

Yea, for the practice line, I forgot to include the word 'of' so it would read, "The practice of self-sacrifice was the joke of the times."

And thanks for letting me know about my grammar, you always do

Of course, thank you for your other comments as well, and I will rework some parts to make it flow a little easier.
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#6
the flow is pretty good as it stands IMO, don't mess with it too mcuh or you might lsoe the fantasticness
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#8
I like the metaphors and the references to painters.... especially the last line of the 4th stanza. I think most people would be able to relate to this song. However, I do think that you'd have to chose the music to it carefully, to convey the right message... don't go pop punk on it:P

crit 4 crit?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=383649
#9
Can someone please tell me what OTS means, I've seen it alot but never deceiphered [sp?] the meaning

I always figured you were one of those typical "dumb blonde's"
But oh, how smart you were for leading me on all those months
It seems I was the one who was baffled by your antics
Always showing me your coy smile, batted eyelashes and pouted lips
its good, and I love the first two lines, their witty and simple. the third line is, for lack of a better word, juvinille, seems like something a 14/15 year old would write in a crappy punk song. Like LT (pickups) said, excellent rhyming, and a very good flow.

How I was the jester amongst the king's court, where the king was my mind
And how the practice self-sacrifice was the joke of the times
I've always hated king metaphores, they just seem so artificial, so tied into humanity... so I didnt like this too much, but you did a good job with what you had. If I were you I would just scrap this stanza though... maybe keep the idea and replace the wording? i dunno

And I wish I was better at the art of communication
But I was never good at drawing, taking pictures or ceramics
Nor was I any good at story-telling or the ability to teach
So I guess you'll just have to settle for this Picasso-esque style of speech
Isn't abstraction the essence of true love and affection anyway?
I loved this, it saved the piece for me, nothing to crit on this

Apparently not for I am still standing in front of the frame
Trying to decipher the hidden meaning on the canvas
While holding your ticket in my empty, out-stretched arm
Its good, and ties into the theme (I love the title by the way) and overall metaphore, might wanna just tighten it up a little bit.

Overall, very good, better than most of the recent things I've seen from you. Keep up the good work I guess (and now you owe me two crits )


could you get to mine pwease? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=384641
#10
Thanks Delirium and Synth. Both repaid

And Synth, Ill take those changes under consideration...thanks for taking the time to full crit as usual.

Any more?


EDIT: OTS=On The Spot, as in, you sat down and typed out your piece as it came to you. Its not pre-written.
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
Last edited by xArCaDiAx at Jun 29, 2006,
#11
I really wanna know what OTS means, if you wouldnt mind

EDITO: nvm, I got it, I hadnt read my thread yet

EDITO 2: man, now I feel like an idiot because you had to explain it to me twice *smacks forehead*... and just for good measure
Last edited by #1 synth at Jun 29, 2006,