#1
Ok guys just wrote this off the top of my head, rather abstract as usuall. Leave a link or something and Ill get to all of your eventually.

Blatent Disregard

Dysfuntional and Egotistical
The very essence of
Life as we know it
The dark cloud of doubt
Encompassing all you hold dear

A celebration of anger
And invalidating behaviour
The manifestation of rage
Throughout your sould in danger

Evaluate the suffering bestowed
Weigh its worth on the infinite scales
The dark doors close quickly
And show no mercy; friend or foe

Smash your face quickly
As you fall to the ground
The dizzying darkness begins to surround
Then as all goes silent
Just hush....and wait for the sound

Not sure of the meaning myself, but take what you want from it, this **** just comes to me lol
"The tragic partake of this torment, convincing myself again. This god that I worship, this demon I blame, conspire as one exactly the same it's exactly the same." Lamb of God
Last edited by lambofgod4750 at Jun 27, 2006,
#2
Sweet... its crazy as all hell, and I'm digging it...

If I may suggest one thing... maybe some repetition of a line or two? I mean, if you made a straight-up chorus to the song, you could fire off two different lines and then keep something consistant...
Quote by flame843
My original intent was to put "...but never trust the French," but I didn't for fear of starting a flame war with some French UGER.


Quote by Funkbass796
why worry about that? They'd surrender immediatly.
#3
Cool, thanks for the crit. Thanks for being positive and that sounds like a good Idea. I kinda looked at it after I posted it and thought it was way to straight forward and bland, but Ill take your advice and try some repetition that should spice it up a bit. Thanks
"The tragic partake of this torment, convincing myself again. This god that I worship, this demon I blame, conspire as one exactly the same it's exactly the same." Lamb of God
#4
oooh, dark and emotional (without being "emo")... my kind of song sort of like a shorter version of Nothing to Gein by Mudvayne.. more of a musical essay than the general verse/chorus/verse/chorus/bridge/chorus formula... yeah, I'm really liking that... very brooding

crit 4 crit?

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=383649
#5
Thanks for the kind words man. Though I am not a fan of mudvayne I appreciate the intent of all you said. I try to write abstractly and not so point for point. I do tend to write more of a poetry style than musical but all my stuff can still be converted into a better musical format. I'll crit yours here soon.
"The tragic partake of this torment, convincing myself again. This god that I worship, this demon I blame, conspire as one exactly the same it's exactly the same." Lamb of God
#7
I liked the use of vocabulary in this piece. Very poetic. I also like the darkness of it.

Great Job.
#8
Thanks I am not sure whether or not I intend to write dark, but I guess my abstract style sort of plays into that a bit. Thanks again.
"The tragic partake of this torment, convincing myself again. This god that I worship, this demon I blame, conspire as one exactly the same it's exactly the same." Lamb of God
#9
I thought it was great
Jack Kerouac says of the head prose are the best
Very soul searchingly human