#1
Last one this month, I think this has been my best month I've ever had as a Writer, so many things have happened, and so many things have just felt like a movie lately.

Please leave a link I promise to get back to it.

Enjoy the last, oh and writer of the month is up so if you've enjoyed everything I'd this month, make sure to put in a nomination or a vote, everyone counts.

Enjoy My Lovers

<3


Farewell, Blue Velvet, You'll Choke On The Filigaee Smoke.

I could give you kevlar and it won't protect you
From the cough you've gotten in the past month.
Her chest breaks like a ****ty toyota and the
Way your eyes close when you bite your tongue,
Makes me hope that whenever you fall asleep and
Whenever those lips lock together for the harpist,
You'll be in a more beautiful world where the only
Thing you can see are the way the trees bloom in Spring.
Or the snowfall that illuminates a morning in Ohio.
The way the light reflectes off of the ice and
Radiates the plastic blinds that hang over your cracked windows.

You're hands are stained in ink now, and when I hold them
You smear your life line onto mine, our hands together
Makes yours longer and for a split second I feel like you'll live.
Your eyes are covered in black mascara from the "oh, how you've grown."
The way your mother died, and how your father disowned you.
The way your step father commited suicide or how you ran away
From the only good family you've ever had.

This is how things will rise with the sun, how your breath will
Freeze when it hits the daylight, and how everything you've ever
Said will be crystalized in a solitary moment of a neverending love.
Everything you've ever felt will be stuck in a single moment of time
And I'll watch your eyes close then, and I'll know you were happy once.
I knew you where happier then.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
Last edited by Something_Vague at Jun 30, 2006,
#2
Hi eighteen views, how ya doing? Good? Yeah we should talk more.

Yeah, you should talk more.

<3 leave your links.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#3
Don't know how this escaped everyone's attention..

Excellent piece, once more. You wold have had my WoTM vote, but you were already up within 2 posts

Fantastic imagery, near-faultless flow, nice, subtle rhyming.. just another great piece from you.

Having only been on here for a couple of months, I haven't seen alot of you.. but I agree, this month has seen you become one of my favourite writers on UG, you write so passionately in your pieces, and you express yourself so well. Your imagery is also of high quality.

Just one line, does this make grammatical sense?

Your eyes are covered in black mascara from the how you grown,

An inspiration to us all

Good Luck, I hope things improve for you
#4
no bumping thanks.



I could give you kevlar and it won't protect you
From the cough you've gotten in the past month.
Her chest breaks like a ****ty toyota and the
Way your eyes close when you bite your tongue,
Makes me hope that whenever you fall asleep and
Whenever those lips lock together for the harpist,
You'll be in a more beautiful world where the only
Thing you can see are the way the trees bloom in Spring.
Or the snowfall that illuminates a morning in Ohio.
The way the light reflectes off of the ice and
Radiates the plastic blinds that hang over your cracked windows.

this is really good, the only suggestion i have is to move the "thing" from the start of the "Thing you can see are the way the trees bloom in Spring." line onto the end of the line before, it flows betetr IMO but i know you probably won't change it so i'm a-leave it at that.

You're hands are stained in ink now, and when I hold them
You smear your life line onto mine, our hands together
Makes yours longer and for a split second I feel like you'll live.
Your eyes are covered in black mascara from the how you grown,
The way your mother died, and how your father disowned you.
The way your step father commited suicide or how you ran away
From the only good family you've ever had.

"Your eyes are covered in black mascara from the how you grown," <--- "the how you grown" doesn't make sense. do you mean "the way you've grown" ? or "from how you've grown" ?
personally i don't like all the stuff about the family members, it's kinda uninteresting. rest of the stanza is cool though, really like that.

This is how things will rise with the sun, how your breath will
Freeze when it hits the daylight, and how everything you've ever
Said will be crystalized in a solitary moment of a neverending love.
Everything you've ever felt will be stuck in a single moment of time
And I'll watch your eyes close then, and I'll know you were happy once.
I knew you where happier then.

perfecto.
good piece, i dig it a lot.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#6
I could give you kevlar and it won't protect you
From the cough you've gotten in the past month.

quality, best line in it, genious, geat song over all and jallas' suggestions would be the exact same as wot it say to change, 9/10 man i like it
#7
I cannot force a crit. This is a very well structured and emotive piece I enjoyed reading.

You are already nominated and second, so all that's left for me is to hope you will get it after the pieces you've presented this month.
It will be more than deserved.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#8
Im going to agree with Alice's crit.

And add that the 1st and 3rd stanza's were amazing for certain things. My favorite lines throughout the entire piece were definitely the first two. I dont know Matt, you always had a way with words and description, but due to this terrible, unfortunate situation that you are in, your writing has increased 10fold. You draw so much emotion out, its unbelievable.

You know of our rivalry, and our WoTM bouts , but in all seriousness for what it is worth (because you arent writing for you), you are the best writer as of now on this board, and I dont think that anyone (current vet, "elites", or noobs) can match anything you write right now. I hope you win WoTM this month, you really ****ing deserve it. And Im glad to have mentored you in the beginning.

......But just wait until I get my muse back.
Can You Fill In The Blanks?
#9
^completely agreed with everything Nelson said (I better have gotten the name right ), so much so I got a new sig

I'll give an actual crit tommorow, and I actually mean tommorow this time.
#10
thank you so much guys..

today i just broke it off with this girl and it's been a crazy day.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#11
nothin to say that hasn't already been said, this is excellent!


check out 'pity the ignorance' if you have time, would be much appreciated
#12
Sorry I'm late, I just got back from a really lame party that was only held so this really desperate guy could ask this chick out who he just met in the last week, it sucked... anyway, enough 'bout me, more 'bout crit.

I could give you kevlar and it won't protect you
From the cough you've gotten in the past month.
along the lines of everything else you've written this month, in that its incredibly good

Her chest breaks like a ****ty toyota and the
Way your eyes close when you bite your tongue,
the transition here I feel is rather sharp, maybe ease into it more. However, still brilliant imagery.

Makes me hope that whenever you fall asleep and
Whenever those lips lock together for the harpist,
You'll be in a more beautiful world where the only
Thing you can see are the way the trees bloom in Spring.
you have an extremely cool way of line structure, very nice mixture of prose and poetry. and here is some more of your class wit

Or the snowfall that illuminates a morning in Ohio.
The way the light reflectes off of the ice and
Radiates the plastic blinds that hang over your cracked windows.
meh, nothing to say, beautiful.

You're hands are stained in ink now, and when I hold them
You smear your life line onto mine, our hands together
Makes yours longer and for a split second I feel like you'll live.
Christ thats good.

Your eyes are covered in black mascara from the how you grown, little grammer thing here...
The way your mother died, and how your father disowned you.
The way your step father commited suicide or how you ran away
From the only good family you've ever had.
seems irrelevant enough to me for it to be ****ing painful for you, I'm sorry you had to write it.

This is how things will rise with the sun, how your breath will
Freeze when it hits the daylight, and how everything you've ever
Said will be crystalized in a solitary moment of a neverending love.
Everything you've ever felt will be stuck in a single moment of time
And I'll watch your eyes close then, and I'll know you were happy once.
I knew you where happier then.
and again, beautiful...
#13
Fixed le grammar, and thanks so much guys.

It really has been a ****ing joy getting all this response back from everyone.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic