#2
Umm, a bit clichéd. using the word "sunset" just doesn't mean much anymore as it's over used. Apart from one or two other clichéd lines, this is quite good. I like how you use Snow
White in it, it's so random, but manages to work. The rhythm is pretty much constant throughout. A little work, and this could be a lot better. 6 out of 10 for this one. Keep going!
Ctit 4 crit? If you could do one of my songs listed in my sig (just click) that would be great, just not the top one lol
Thanks
"If you want beef, then bring the ruckus." - Marilyn Monroe
#3
sunset rises the day is done
this catchy singles on the tip of my tongue

i don't like the sound of "sunset rises", as the guy above said, it's cliched, and it makes no sense. sunsets don't rise. it's not arty to say it does, because they don't. i get that you're trying to express that sunset has come, but by saying it rises makes it sound very lame indeed IMO.
"this catchy single" sounds a bit lacking IMO- not very good poetic language to me.
nciely rhymed though, and you set a great scene.

i rather self destruct than admit i was wrong
cause i was never excepted where i thought i belong
finally found you kaleidoscope sin
can't get out i was never let in

in the first line i really think you should use the conditional tense and change the "I" at the start to "I'd" i'm sure it's jsut a typo though
similarly then, in the 2nd line at the end: "I'd belong" sounds much more grammartically correct.
you need some kind of punctuation too:
finally found you, kaleidoscope sin
can't get out: i was never let in

personally i'd also change it to "i can't get out".

and all this nostalgias fueling my frustration
cause i've spent my whole life on an alien nation
snow whites apple had poison skin
your selling out if your buying in

last line: *you're x2
i love that first line, really sounds great and yet connects directly to the reader to show what it's all about.
good reference to snow white as well. works great here.

and you can't let go cause your in denial
but if you give an inch they'll take a mile

*you're
this ending is superb.
absolutely lovely.

kay... so that's it. sorry if i sound a bit harsh at times, i jstu feel this piece could really be something. it's a great piece of work, jsut needs a bit of touching up i think. also, on the subject of the title, yeah i'm not so keen on it. sounds like p!atd or something, some kind of scene act anyway.
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