#1
Four Days

I wrote a letter to the present king, asking for diamonds and valuable things. He gave the paper a quick once-over and threw his hands in the air. His servants were put to work that day, questioning Master's authority: "With all these things being given away, I pray the recepient lives the fullest of days."

Four days later, a knock on my door. It was raised to my attention I'd be receiving a shipment. The sun chased the moon around the earth four times before any such thing remotely arrived.

The first day brought bread and a wine supply, enough to fill up both of my eyes. I drank and relished for the rest of my years, free of cost and free of fear; for I'd never go hungry or sober or thirsty as long as I would live.

The second day brought diamonds and rain. From this, a hefty sum was made. I put up a sign which read "Jewel Sale" and not even the weather could keep them away.

The third day was bright and full of sunshine, yet no shipments arrived at my home. I took this time to invest my profits and purchased an estate on the outskirts of town. When asked how I'd come across such great fortune, I told of favors and remuneration.

The fourth day brought sadness and sorrow to all. Word was given that the king had fallen. Upon his bed the night before, he scribbled a will and gave it a seal. The letter was sent to a familiar address which often received his many parcels. An unfamiliar face answered the door, however; opened the letter, and fell to the floor. When the man regained his conciousness, he read over the list of his inheritence: "A Kingdom, A Queen, And Happiness."

How unfortunate that I settled far too soon for what was far too little.
#2
that was really good. i can't crit it because the touches i see are your own, not mine, and you probably don't care. but it's great anyhow.
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#5
u have a very interestin style writin prose, quite unusual to tell the truth. there's a lot of internal rhymin and a pretty particular flow to this piece, i really like that. sm sentences seemed slightly blunt, though. like they need smth more. dunno, that's just a personal opinion, so no need to take it too seriously. other than that i like what u've come up with, imo if u polish it up a bit u can make this piece real good. anyways, good job mate

oh and btw... 76 views and just one reply? welcome to my world...

ana.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#6
this is definitely one of my favorite pieces ive read on here in awhilee.
i really have no suggestionss
nice work blllllake
#7
Ill get to it tomorrow Blakeyboy, you can count on it.
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#8
ana - thanks buddy - this is a rough draft so yes I probably will polish it up sometime soon. as for the blunt sentences, I do that on purpose

shatteredglass - thanks man, but who are you? i feel like i've asked you that before and have since forgotten, but do I know you on a personal level? if not, then I must be out of my mind.

mandela - thanks, i did your nova crysajibbity whatchawhat? a little while ago.
#9
i guessed it was on purpose, i just think it might work better if u went for blunt meanings rather than blunt sentences. dunno if this makes much sense, i mean writin smth that would hit the reader real hard, even if the phrases alone seem smooth and harmles, so to say. oh well, it's just an idea, as i said in my previous post this piece is pretty good anyways
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#10
Dude, I don't know what else to say but this is really cool, it's not like amazingly clever, but it for real is really cool, and I'm not the kind of guy to just say that, I'd tell you if it sucked, lol. But If you could, please crit mine?! It;s Called The Words To say When You're Let Down And its toward the top of the list.. but a few below this one
#11
This is, as the guy above me said, really clever. I loved the flow to bits, which is what really kept me really reading on this. As far as anything bad to say, I haven't got a thing. I was amazing at the story telling this does and how well it goes along is just awesome. Nice work Blake.
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#12
I love prose pieces, so this certainly caught my eyes; and it didn't let me down. Every line built on the previous one and the last line was pretty much the clincher. Good work my friend. Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=384985 Thanks.
#13
ana - i don't really know how I could make that happen in this piece without hurting the flow i've got down right now. i'll take that into consideration though the next time I write something. by the way... are you a Spanish Seaman, or just Spanish semen? haha

lemay - thanks a lot, i critted yours as well.

dash - thanks buddy.

A&O - thanks, glad you enjoyed it. I'll get to yours sometime today.

thanks a lot for all the positive comments, guys
#14
yeah, you'd have to change too much stuff around, leave it then cos it really doesn't matter. and i'm a spanish someone, thank u very much, neither seaman nor semen
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#15
mmm blake i responded under that shatteredglass name on accident cause my friend was logged in here and i didnt log him out. anyways nice piece again
#17
I didnt forget Blake. Ive just been busy


I wrote a letter to the present king, asking for diamonds and valuable things. He gave the paper a quick once-over and threw his hands in the air. His servants were put to work that day, questioning Master's authority: "With all these things being given away, I pray the recepient lives the fullest of days."
In the first line, why does it need to be the "present" king. I understand that it could cause confusion...I guess, if you want to refer to a pas king. But leaving it just as king would usually assume the timeframe of "present." But thats just an extreme nitpick. The rest is a fine opener. Nothing really wrong with it

Four days later, a knock on my door. It was raised to my attention I'd be receiving a shipment. The sun chased the moon around the earth four times before any such thing remotely arrived.
I like the last line you have. But, it just seems a bit out of place. This is because your first two sentences were so simplistic in nature, and then you throw out a metaphor and it kind of offsets the flow.

The first day brought bread and a wine supply, enough to fill up both of my eyes. I drank and relished for the rest of my years, free of cost and free of fear; for I'd never go hungry or sober or thirsty as long as I would live.
Haha. Go sober. Yea, no problems here

The second day brought diamonds and rain. From this, a hefty sum was made. I put up a sign which read "Jewel Sale" and not even the weather could keep them away.
Keep who away? Im assuming...people that want to buy the jewels. But, its one of those...ugh, I forgot the term used in my composition class. The term that means that your subject is undefined, as it could be 1, 2 or more things. So you may want to consider re-wording that

The third day was bright and full of sunshine, yet no shipments arrived at my home. I took this time to invest my profits and purchased an estate on the outskirts of town. When asked how I'd come across such great fortune, I told of favors and remuneration.
Yea, this is alright.

The fourth day brought sadness and sorrow to all. Word was given that the king had fallen. Upon his bed the night before, he scribbled a will and gave it a seal. The letter was sent to a familiar address which often received his many parcels. An unfamiliar face answered the door, however; opened the letter, and fell to the floor. When the man regained his conciousness, he read over the list of his inheritence: "A Kingdom, A Queen, And Happiness."
Nice twist.

How unfortunate that I settled far too soon for what was far too little.
Indeed.

Well Blakeyboy, this in a way was different from what I usually read from you. Its not different in a bad way or anything, but different. It lacked most of the metaphorical descriptions that you usually use and forced the reader to just read it for its simplicity. Until the ending that is, which I thought was pretty cool the way you ended it. Of course it has been done before, but, you just blended it well.

Hope you're doing well also.
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