#1
A nice little piece, thought I'd flex my more poetic muscles as the lyrics have dried up a tad for now..

Please, constructive critiscm, I would love to see what you think of my first real attempt at this sort of thing, and what I could do to improve this.

And if I do have any fans of my stuff, don't worry, I'm not leaving that style, no way.

Critique mine and I'll critique yours


I saw you through my lenses, a pale complexion
Marked distinctly with curves and cavernous dips
Your edges frayed yet washed with vigour
Licked clean with a white foam wave

And I see you from afar, and recognise your beauty
Amazed by your ecosystem
And your soft, delicate heart
Balanced perfectly between good and evil

But you'll ever so slowly wash away
Never to be seen
Never to be mentioned
Never to be heard
Again

And I end up asking
Why?
Why is it I should learn to appreciate your complexion
Your curves
Your skin
Your character
Your personality
Your heart

Because it's inevitable that one of us
Will lose out
When one of us

Departs.
#2
Hmmm, a very great piece...starts with great euphamisms or somethign like that and ends with simple straight forward line.
It was easy to read...and easy to understand.
Great work again.
On the sixth day God created mankind, I say it is a waste of time.
My project: _simple_city
#3
Thanks for the response LGM, nice to see the forums are back up... Anyone any idea why I was banned for a short time? Becuase I was this morning.

This was an experimental piece.. glad you liked it
#4
^ Hmmm, i was banned too....

Anyhoo, fantastic opening stanza ; it just ticked all the right boxes. However my constructive criticism is that you changed your structure completely half way through. That made it feel like two separate poems instead of one complete one.

Other than that though, no complaints. Nice use of my favourite type o writing, and if you know my writingwell you'll know what i mean!

Well played chap, good to see you deseved my nomination.
#5
Thanks Caz, glad to see I deserved it in the end

Experimental piece, really. I could only say that the change in structure was mirroring the change in feeling from admiration to, what's the point?

Critique much appreciated
#6
whistling at a pretty girl sound, whoit whoo wheeol, haven't a clue how you'd spell it, but that is what I did after reading this change in style for you, It has a lovely feel, the first two verses are splendid old bean, you are moving along nicely mate, and nice how you put this together , with all the beauty references, love the ecosystem line. It all reads mighty fine and you are getting yourself a reputation (you old slag) here as a writer.

Well done Jammy son,
Cheers mate
#7
I saw you through my lenses, a pale complexion
Marked distinctly with curves and cavernous dips
Your edges frayed yet washed with vigour
Licked clean with a white foam wave
Not entirely sure what the last line is supposed to mean, but other than that I liked this stanza. Good opener.

And I see you from afar, and recognise your beauty
Amazed by your ecosystem
And your soft, delicate heart
Balanced perfectly between good and evil
Good here. I'd suggest taking away the first "And" here as it is mostly unnecessary and the repitition of "and" in the first line is a bit akward. Last three lines are ace.

But you'll ever so slowly wash away
Never to be seen
Never to be mentioned
Never to be heard
Again
With this stanza, that "white foam wave" line holds water a bit better, the two parts are just relatively far apart.

And I end up asking
Why?
Why is it I should learn to appreciate your complexion
Your curves
Your skin
Your character
Your personality
Your heart

Because it's inevitable that one of us
Will lose out
When one of us

Departs.
Good closer. Nice and simple, but not overdone. No qualms here.

Overall I enjoyed this piece, just a few quirks here and there that you may or may not want to work out. All up to you and how you want it.
#8
Awww! Fantastic. I loved the ending to this. =D Brought my heart to satisfaction.
wtf...
Anyways,
I congradulate you on doing something differant and venturing into poetry, something i will never have the skills to touch on.
Well, il try not to be biased [being a fan and all] so il give you 9/10
Can you crit mine? tis called michael.

franz xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#9
Wow, thanks everyone, didn't know what reaction I'd get seeing as I've never written like this before, so thank's so much, means alot.

I'll be back onto those crits now.

Once more, many thanks.
#11
Thanks slinks, It's not set to music, just a poem..

Many thanks for the crit, I'll be on to your piece any sec..
#12
Hmmm. I think it's a little pretentious right now, which is fine if that's your style (same as you, I haven't read enough of your stuff to know if it's at least consistant or not). My main problem is that the end is a bit of a letdown. The idea I think you're going for is a letdown, like...you build us up and then say "but what's the point?" but I don't really get the feeling that you're that let down. I get the feeling that you're at most apathetic. Personally I would start by building up the possibilities for what could happen and then keep building it up until the reader realizes it could never happen, at which point we don't NEED to be told it's a letdown, because we've heard so much of what could have been, that when we realize it will never happen...we're pissed.

Maybe I'm rambling. That was kinda long. Hope it helped.

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#14
ANYMORE!
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#16
Thanks JeffJefferson.

I've critted your newer piece, save for bumping older work, hope that's alright

Much appreciated.
#17
I really liked the first two stanzas. It's the change in structure thereafter which I didn't really like. It just seems as if you had run out of ideas so you used little bits of inspiration., especially with the repetition. I think you've used that to excess.

But the real question is this; have you pulled it off? I have to say no, because it felt a bit tedious the closer I got to the denouement. With these kind of poems it's better for the reader if the piece goes off with a bit of a bang, a line which embeds itself in the reader's head. Unfortunately, in my head that's taken by the opening. The best part of the poem, in my honest humble opinion, is the beginning. Brilliant imagery and good use of various techniques.
#18
Many thanks, Daemonika. Kind of a mixed reaction about the change in structure, so I'll mull that over, but there's no real plans to go and rewrite this, was just seeing how well I could write like this.

Thanks for your honesty.
#19
First of all, thanks for critiquing my song. I appreciate it. Even though this piece had no rhyme in it, it still hyad good rhythm and was easy to read. You should keep writing in this style.
#20
I absolutely loved the imagery in this one. The topic of this one was kinda cliched..but you kept it remotely interesting. I think some sort of rhyme would help with the flow a bit because this was a bit to choke down at a quick read through. I had to read it twice actually. I think you ended this well and started it well, but the middle was a tad less interesting. Just a bunch of simple phrases and such. Overall, I thought it was pretty good.

And thanks for the crit on mine.<33
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Quote by GOD*OF*ROCK
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#21
Quote by Jammydude44
A nice little piece, thought I'd flex my more poetic muscles as the lyrics have dried up a tad for now..

Please, constructive critiscm, I would love to see what you think of my first real attempt at this sort of thing, and what I could do to improve this.

And if I do have any fans of my stuff, don't worry, I'm not leaving that style, no way.

Critique mine and I'll critique yours


I saw you through my lenses, a pale complexion
Marked distinctly with curves and cavernous dips
Your edges frayed yet washed with vigour
Licked clean with a white foam wave

agreed, this stanza is pretty good though white foam wave... dk what you mean unless you jsut talking about the bubbles when you scrub in the shower 0.o anyways yes nice.

And I see you from afar, and recognise your beauty
Amazed by your ecosystem
And your soft, delicate heart
Balanced perfectly between good and evil

ehhhhhhhhhh not so good. ecosystem, no you might as well of gone with aura or something like that not ecosystem :P in no way does a human incompass a whole ecosystem :P it just a horrible word to use here. i really just dont like this stanza sorry. but ecosystem especially. If you honestly didnt want to just re-write the stanza at least change that word.

But you'll ever so slowly wash away
Never to be seen
Never to be mentioned
Never to be heard
Again

I feel that this part is too much of the shortened type of ending you ahve here. I really like the rhyme you ahve at the end but TOO many short segmented lines one after another makes a piece lack flow and i believe that if either of these next 3 stanzas should be changed or taken out it should be this one.

And I end up asking
Why?
Why is it I should learn to appreciate your complexion
Your curves
Your skin
Your character
Your personality
Your heart

Because it's inevitable that one of us
Will lose out
When one of us

Departs.


I really love the rhyme on the end it really concludes the piece well, so as this isnt my favorite by you, Its a new style like you said so congratulation on venturing into new and exciting things ha im a nerd anyways always looking forward to more new on in my sig if you like "loss of destiny and desire" though im not much of a fan.

-Mike
Last edited by TrigFunction at Jun 29, 2006,