#1
hey crit for crit not one of my best pieces i know but help me out please


3 steps forward and 5 steps back
make a turn your wrong about that
going no where a circle of fun
pain and misery i have become
now its time to call your maker
he controls your every move
your exspressions and things
that are good to you
but when im done fixing myself
from socialality from myself


shadows never bother me
people are always in search of me
to fix what ive turned right
endless days upon forever nights
labeling thoughts fill the air
its to bad il never care

create a soul deep inside
then add feeling and a little decline
i dont need these "friends"
or their lies
the fixed me once
itll never happen aain
so tell your good byes
tonight our makers feeling down
he misses the love
that gave him a areason to stay alivve
cast envy into our souls
but i have nothing to do with his world
i sit alone with my only goal


nothing to do with the world
you sit and smile
bleeding from your eyes
stading on your knees
your sighes echeo
dont help me please

shadows never bother me
people are always in search of me
to fix what ive turned right
endless days upon forever nights
labeling thoughts fill the air
its to bad il never care
#2
Hi mate. I reckon if you think this this is not as good as you can do, then I will agree. It seems a bit out of synch with itself. There is no real moving along from start to finish. Like you are saying the same thing over and over. I dont dislike it, it flows really well and some lines are meaningful and well thought out, it just doesn't take your audience anywhere they want to be, if you know what I mean, a tad plain, but well written nonetheless.

Keep it up bud, and I am sure you will improve on this.
All the best Manthstcrazy
#3
That's a pretty good song. But yeah it seems like you bounce between off rhyme and normal rhyme schemes.

On another note I find it ironic that you have a sig that sez EMOS SUCK but you have a lyric that says "Bleeding from your eyes"...
"His clothes are dirty, but his hands are clean" - Lay Lady Lay